2009 Summary

I am going to post my whole Summary for this year.  It was quite a year; I lost my mother, I quit smoking, I started drawing.  A very bittersweet year…

2009 in Review

This time last year, I was in a completely different space, one of underlying fear and despair, but with glimmerings of hope and determination.  I had only been coming to Group for a couple of months. I was in dire straits financially, overwhelmed and overburdened by caring for my mother and raising my son on my own, and had reached a place where my life was simply not satisfactory; it was no longer working for me.  But, with Molly’s help and by coming to Group, I felt that things were perhaps starting to look up.  I had started to give myself permission to write and work on some things that gave me pleasure and I was learning a lot about ADD and life in general.  But, although I summed up that year with the word “enlightenment,” little did I know that I was just beginning, or how far I would come over the next year.  Sometimes I hardly recognize myself, but looked at in another way, I am finally able to recognize myself as the person that I have always been – and just didn’t know it.  I no longer need to be the chameleon; I am simply myself – but also I am more than I have ever been, or could ever before believe – but I am not yet done.

January: was tough
– Started out frustrated and fearful but determined.  I  started seeing a therapist regularly for help with parenting in order to feel more self-confident and in control.  I started to become aware of anger and ways that I was victimizing myself and I thought about how I might convert that anger into positive energy.

– So worried about my mother; trying to hang in there with my goals – writing, working, balance – so hard; too much on my plate, too much uncertainty about how I am going to survive.

– My sister treated me to a show with her and her son one evening at the Mystic Theater; had a couple beers and enjoyed it so much; it’d been years and years since I’d done anything similar; it was fun.

– I’ve been writing daily, working on memoirs and it is good; I designed and wrote a birthday card for my mother and somehow I knew subconsciously that it would be her last…

February: intensely, deeply painful
My mother dies – and on my son’s 9th birthday.  It is an overwhelmingly, devastating loss.  Thank God for my family, my sister, my brother, and my gem of a nephew who helps with Dalton, my sweet little boy; it’s so hard, so painful – so tough.  We cry together.

– Funeral and other arrangements to make.  People to contact; just doing what is necessary, it’s all tough, informing her acquaintances, so very hard.  I spend countless hours writing a bio of her life.  Never finished it but would like to someday.  It all becomes very numbing.

– Then I suddenly find I have more time, more energy.  There is sadness; everything feels different.  But I made a start on Mother’s room, going through her stuff; and I started again to do the Artist’s Way (per Molly’s advice).  I compare where I was during the time I first did the Artist’s Way when I was pregnant and living in a seriously compromised situation.  I built myself a little “bubble” to surround myself in and I managed to choose each day to face things with gratitude and optimism, with integrity, peace and perseverance, with love, forgiveness and fortitude.  It would have been so easy to have simply despaired.  I need to remember that NOW.

– I am struggling to discover what I want, what I need, why money and work issues are so frustrating and wrought with fear; what is this longing I have – to be a whole person, to not be beholden to anyone – to feel good about myself.  To not cause my family any pain.  I start checking into low income housing, go to a workshop and get info; fill out applications, and then I wait.  It is very hard being in limbo; don’t know if I will get help, don’t know if I will have place to live – but I can only do what I can do.

– I have been learning so much: with Jane, with Molly, with Group.  Still trying to find balance and deal with chaos.  I constantly am trying to revise my “schedule,” to find something that works.  I do some organizing – cleaned out hall bookcases, threw out a lot of old magazines, etc., straightened out the electrical mess in the living room, i.e., video games, TV, etc. ; made it work so it’s no longer unsightly and dangerous.

– I’ve started doing ‘Artist Dates‘ – went to the Aqus Café and then later took Dalton for dinner there to see his guitar teacher play music; had a glass of wine.  New experiences, new observations, my mind is so open now.  I an observing my world – a bird pulling up a morning worm, the color of the sunset or the sunrise, deer surprisingly in a customer’s yard one day; little birds flitting around and singing in the rain.  I am not sure how to feel about anything….

March: healing; open-eyed and vulnerable
– Artist’s Dates are a wonderful thing.  I discover art galleries; I gently start uncovering who I am; I feed my soul.  Then I ignore my resistance and experience “reading deprivation.”  I make discoveries:  I work on my clips, my “illustrated discovery journal;” I organize paperwork; I rediscover the joys of PBS and of listening to music again.  Why have I deprived myself of music for so long?

– I am starting to feel more alive and connected; seeing the beauty of life.  One morning I sit while Dalton plays a computer game, I gaze out the window.  I become aware of the music from the computer game and I see two little birds bouncing along the fence in back.  And it appears they are doing a mating dance, they dance in time to the music – the male puffed up and strutting, the female coming close, then backing off again, as if she were being coy; it went on for quite some time – I was enthralled, it was so magical.  How much of my life have I simply not paid attention to, never noticed things?   I work on my “creative journal” and remember to jot down ideas, inspiration.  I begin to “collect” all kinds of “stuff.”  I work on my schedule; try to schedule in creative time, and I create a Master Task List to give myself fluff to “fill the cracks.”     I start to discover my “wants” – art, music, songwriting, sewing – I dream of my perfect “dream house.”  So much self-inquiry going on; I am coming to terms with who I am.

– I work.  I get my client work under control; I work on setting boundaries, guidelines, expectations, etc. with my son; I deal with all the social security, disability, and financial assistance paperwork and procedures.  I feel like I am floating.   I suffer a lot of emotional conflict about being “worthy” of getting SSDI – but not wanting to accept that I am dysfunctional.  I learn that it is not good for me to work at ANYTHING longer than 4-5 hours – it makes me ill and rather nutty.  I learn to darn socks.

– My sister goes to a Tibetan Prayer Ceremony and has a white prayer flag released for me.  I am blown away by her devotion to me.  What a gift of a sister she is.  We can help each other deal with our shared grief in our different ways.

– I start getting words and music, curious and interesting perceptions and impressions in my head at all and various times – synchronicities,  intuition; I am flooded with new ideas and perceptions.  I wake up one morning with the theme from Howard Blake’s “Snowman” in my head – “Walking in the Air.”  I find the sheet music online.  I pick it out on Dalton’s keyboard.  I can play it.  I wish I owned the soundtrack CD.  And where did this come from?  I wonder.  It is all combined with the images of “snowy” plum blossoms  on the trees outside, the mockingbirds, poetry in my head.

– I suddenly start talking to the salamander who visits me on wet evenings when I am outside smoking.  He usually freezes when he sees me.  This time I talk to him and tell him that it’s OK,  he can run along home, that I won’t hurt him.  And then, surprisingly, he goes.  I think that I have made a friend and it tickles me.  I think salamanders are cute.

– I have determined that the first 3 decades of my adult life were for learning.  The last 3 decades (if I’m so lucky) will be for applying what I have learned and for living my dreams.  I must relax and trust the process.  Have I finally quit asking “why?”  I vow that the 2nd half of my life I will not be poor; I will not smoke; and I will be happy and peaceful.

– And how is it that my Mother’s death has put me on this path of self-discovery; or did it begin long before her death – perhaps I needed some solitude that I had been lacking for so long.

April: changes, new direction
– I wrote a song.  [Here]  I came up with a story idea that went with the song.  I decided to keep track for one month, of every single penny I spent and what is was and what it was for – to SEE, be aware, know what exactly it is that I do.  I am tired of struggle – I want to THRIVE.

– At about this time my sister has started to pay my bills and keep track of the inheritance money, etc.  So then I started – for the first time in years – to open my mail immediately upon receiving it and throwing out what I don’t want or need.   I reclaim a bit of my power in this way.  According to my sister, the house unaccountably starts looking in better shape.

– Unfortunately there is a communication break-down with a friend, the mother of my son’s best friend, and we lose touch.  I feel badly about it.  I feel responsible, although I didn’t mean to do any harm.   I started writing a letter but I did not finish it.  I’m not sure what to do.  Then finally, over some time, I decide to let go the “drama” and just make contact; I open the doors for her to reciprocate contact and I wait –and I let it go.

– I start organizing years of Avon paperwork and materials and throw out boxes of recycling.  I file my taxes.  Such grief over my mother – we face the final interment and put her ashes to rest.  How can she be gone?

May: surprise and forward movement
– I am thinking about dreams.  For years I used to always dream about buildings.  Big, giant, many-roomed buildings – I would be continually searching for something, from room to room.  And I would suddenly become aware that something – a monster, something horrible – would be pursuing me and I would know that I needed to find what it was I was searching for before whatever-it-was caught up with me.  It would then be right behind me and I would wake up.  I never knew what it was that I was looking for.  But it was always buildings.  Sometimes in those dreams I would find that I could fly.  Recently I find I always dream about the ocean.  About bridges, roads, going up and around and all over – often, it is like S.F., only different.

Artist Dates – these are fun and I decide to do some things that I have been putting off for years; I take my broken camera to the camera shop to see if they can rescue the film that has pictures of my son’s 4th birthday party.  Success!  I wonder why I didn’t do this five years ago.

– finding solace in music, allowing the music/ideas/dreams/imagination – all that stuff to emerge – but battling with the other side (left brain, right brain stuff); responsibilities and duties vs. such creative longings – teeter-tottering back and forth; I need BALANCE.

– I manage to take my son to the Butter & Egg Day Parade – for the 2nd year in a row.  That feels good.  My sister and I experience our first Mother’s Day without our mother.  Together we visit her and place flowers on her crypt.  It is peaceful there, but it is hard.

– I make decision to spend my tax refund in a way that creates an angry situation between me and my sister.  There is too much financial baggage, pain, suffering, emotion.  We seek Molly’s help, together.  I endure humiliation, but it is my own fault.  I try to think of it without the context of “fault.”  It is hard.  But my sister and I love each other.  It is all very humbling.  It also makes me angry.  But what can I do?  I need to learn.  THIS is the nature of my dysfunction – this thing about money.  And ignoring it will not make it go away.  I am willing to learn, albeit I am still rebellious and resentful; mostly I am just confused…

– I decide to start writing again.  I organize my stacks of journals and writing projects.  I write and writing is BLISSFUL.  I decide I want to finish my “Little Pig” story and perhaps I can do the illustrations?  I cautiously try to draw some pigs.  And I feel hopeful.  Then I draw some more things.  And I draw and draw and draw and DRAW and it is WONDERFUL.  And I am, maybe, kind of, sort of, possibly – good?  Wow.  This is magical, marvelous, LIFE-CHANGING and extremely exciting to me.  I CAN DRAW.  I CAN DRAW WELL.  This means I can write and illustrate my book, doesn’t it – so I finish the story.  Wow, thank you, Molly!  Now I shall illustrate it, if I can.

           

– I make some progress on my house.  I clear out my shoes, I clear boxes from the hall, seeing some gradual progress.  And I gradually start to believe in my dreams; that I will publish; that I will be OK.  It is Blind Faith and perseverance – lots of emotional ups and downs.  I start to explore drawing with color, using ink, different materials and techniques.  And I am doing pictures for my book.  This is so incredible.  The Artist’s Way gets somewhat forgotten.  But I am drawing!

– With the sudden cracking of these blocks, my creativity starts to burst out all over the place and it thrills me to my core.  Somehow, breaking through these blocks has me thinking that it will perhaps help me quit smoking?  I am learning how to pay attention to my desires and be good to myself.  I get scented candles and incense, good food; honor my body and my soul, learn how to slow down and FEEL, and SEE, and BE – in the moment.  And I know that everything that IS, is OK – by the simple fact that it IS.  “It is what it is” has become my mantra.  I never before knew just how profound and freeing that statement really is.

– Such joy – I can actually FINISH something?  Is this true?  Maybe I can actually succeed; earn money even?  I feel surreal.  There is light ahead after years and years of being in the tunnel.  Perhaps I am arriving, finally I am healing.  I am becoming myself.  Doodles and sketches suddenly start appearing in my journals.  I don’t recognize this person!  Or do I?

– THEN – trouble in the bubble!  I think I’ve forgotten how to draw!  Was it a cruel joke?  I am losing my mind!  Or perhaps I am simply overwhelmed.  But it seems something happens when I am given an “assignment.”  I try to hang onto my wits and force myself to LET myself draw.  Whew.  Depression, hormones, overwhelm, life happens.  Hormones cause havoc in my life these days.  Can we say “perimeno-crap?”  It sucks.  It is what it is.  I am going through so many changes here.  Am I eating enough?  I decide to log what I eat and drink every day for one week – to be aware of what I do, to make sure that I am taking adequate care of myself in this way.

– I am plagued by the issue of money.   I explore conflicted feelings about my not wanting to accept others’ interpretation of reality – am I just stuck in “denial?”  But I feel that I must believe in magic, or there is only emptiness.  I choose to hold onto faith and wait for the magic, is that so wrong?  It has often worked – if I pay attention.  Or am I just crazy….  But I believe in this formula:  Desire, Ask, Believe; Receive – and be Grateful.  And it does work.

– So I sit back and I give myself permission to unleash years of backed up and blocked creative outflow.  I am hit with insights:  that I am strong and that faith can move mountains.  A mountain was blocking my creativity and I moved that mountain; can I now move the mountain that is blocking me from having the right home and the ability to be financially solvent?  But I know no actions to take.  I can only do my work; and believe; and be grateful and free.

June: Breathe, regroup
– And then SSDI is approved!!!  That is one miracle accomplished!  RELIEF!  I am still not sure what will happen with my housing – but, in the meantime, perhaps a respite.  And I have Dalton’s summer pretty well scheduled with camps, sports, swimming lessons – good job there.

– I start trying to quit smoking – first I log every cigarette to see how many I smoke and in what circumstances.  I need to be aware of what I do.  Then I gradually reduce how many I smoke each day.

– I manage to clear out several boxes in office; cleared out pantry and kitchen cupboards, cleaned off counters and got rid of junk.

– I design PowerPoint birthday card thing for my sister.  I spend too much time on it and get frustrated, so have to stop – good enough.  But I would like to polish it at some point.

–Dalton and Tyler get in bunches of trouble.  But I am finally learning how to be tough and matter-of-fact about things; dealing with things much better.  Parenting is hard, but I’m doing OK.  I think I’m ready to start scheduling dental work.  Not sure yet if I am actually going to be able to quit smoking, but summer has started out on a positive note.  There is hope.

July: trying, struggle
– And I didn’t forget the free day at the SF Exploratorium; I take Dalton, Branwyn & Tyler. Tyler sort of spoils the fun, but it’s still an enjoyable day.  I am proud of myself for doing this.  I have never been there before.  I enjoy doing stuff like this with my son.

– And I need direction:  Now that my fear over getting SSDI is taken care of, what do I do – will I really make enough money to live here; I’m still upset over this; I want to write, not work – as far as what my interpretation of “work” is – I explore online writing opportunities but I am unsure what to do; I feel so ignorant.  But my perspective has broadened; I am willing to learn.  I keep getting new ideas for books, stories; I jot down notes.  I continue to try and organize, go through boxes of  paperwork and throw out tons of stuff.   I go back to doing the Artist’s Way and I attend a mini writing workshop at Copperfield’s; I loved it, got books autographed, and it was inspiring and fun.  I am grateful to my brother and his wife for taking Dalton and making this possible for me to do.

–I am badly distracted by being worried about housing/finance; do not know what to do or how to deal with it; where do I PUT this issue?  Struggling with too much bouncing around in my head; I seem to be experiencing occasional auditory processing trouble – I seem to recall that this has occasionally been a minor issue my whole life, don’t know what that means, but it’s interesting I guess.  It is probably just stress.   I don’t want to think or talk about or deal at all with the issue of quitting smoking or of money.  I want to AVOID.  And what will make me happy?  I sleep late, I stay up late reading – rebellion out of needing my time and space; it’s just summer stuff I guess, mainly; no time to myself.

– I make myself a much-needed dental appointment, but things conspire to prevent me from ever making it there.  The kids delay me, I forget the directions, traffic is bad – I call to say I will be late.  Then – I get lost, forget how to get there, get totally stuck in traffic and start to freak out.  I feel stupid and irritated, frustrated and disgusted with myself.  I eventually figure out how to get there but by this time I cannot emotionally deal with the idea of going to the dentist, I am a wreck!  I call and say I can’t come.  I want to turn around and go home, but I feel mortified and unable to cope.  I feel completely dysfunctional and cannot cope; I cannot go home and deal with children, what do I do?  I do not want to admit to this malfunction and this sort of thing has happened to me before, more than once, in my life.  It renders me nearly in despair!  I feel completely out of my mind and disconnected and in a near panic, I call Molly.  I decide to stop at the Aqus Café and have a glass of wine.  This I do – I had two glasses of wine.  This brings out other strange feelings of isolation and loneliness.  I feel old and that makes me resentful.  I am watching a young band set up for the evening gig.  I am wishing I was that young.  I have forgotten how to have fun, if I ever knew how (without just hanging out and getting drunk like I used to, although that was fun); I feel lost and discouraged; isolated in my head.  But I am a Mom.  I get over it, calm down, and go home to be a mom.  I am OK  I will reschedule the dentist – perhaps after the school year starts again.

– I still work, but only enough to take care of my responsibilities; payroll taxes, insurance audits, client requests.  Sometimes I don’t even want to bother to charge for my time, it just doesn’t feel comfortable – or worth it really.  But I do.  I know I probably undercharge a good bit of the time.  I like my clients.  Whatever… Why don’t I care?

August: stuck
– I am working with Molly on various tasks, trying to find balance, deal with my messy house; depression.  But I work on my bedroom, dressers, boxes in the hall, kitchen, and I start project of organizing Legos, which is a big, long-desired project, nice mindless busy work and the gratitude of seeing results.

– I do a finished piece of artwork which I mat and frame

 and mount on the living room wall – just in time for family get-together.  I need the validation and the visual reminder to myself that I am an artist, that I can do this.  I am pleased.  And I host the first family get-together we have had since our mother passed.  I competently and happily pull it off.  Good stuff – but I have failed at my first stop smoking effort; I decided the gradual method wasn’t going to work.  I couldn’t keep track of it for one thing.

– And while I am succeeding at finishing some drawings, I am having difficulty knowing how to finish my “pig” project.  I am not sure what is blocking me.  I am confused.  Perhaps I need some help getting to the bottom of this issue.  Is it that I am afraid?  Or do I just need help setting specific tasks or something?  I am not sure.  I have questions about the wisdom or benefit (or potential detriment) of having multiple projects or tasks concurrently.  Do I just get bored?  This might be a significant issue.  And hooray, school starts back again.

September: magical, powerful
– I experiment with different art media; trying to work on “Purvis” – I struggle with knowing I should be working; I often forget even (to work) and that is strange to me.  But I have so many new things to think about – things that make me happy.

– I work on designing and implementing behavioral-type systems; responsibilities and expectations, etc., for Dalton, but I soon forget those things too.  All I can do is keep trying I guess.

– I work on clearing out my books and organizing them.  I donate several boxes of books to the library and that feels huge.  I visualize and plan how I would like my house and particularly my office to look and be.

– I find myself getting interested in all sorts of topics; I research, I write all sorts of things; I start to make discoveries about myself, about ADD, about creativity and life; I think of ideas for articles, books, lots of things; insights to explore.  My brain is happy when engaged.  I begin to assert myself, to myself; assign some value to who I am.  I get rebellious and angry, but I feel strong, determined, and pretty darn good.  I write lots of good stuff; experience major brain dumps – possible material for my book?  The more I learn, the faster my mind works; the more connections I make, the more ideas I come up with, it is self-perpetuating fuel.

– I am reminded to trust my instincts and intuition.  One morning I simply perceived that something was amiss with one of the tires on my car.  Nothing was visible except a possible need for some air.  I went with my instincts and took the car in and thereby averted a potential expensive and/or dangerous problem. The mechanics gifted me by doing the necessary work for no charge.

– On the night of 9/11, there was a significant and highly unusual thunderstorm.  When it woke me I had to go outside to see it and to smell the ozone.  I love electrical storms; they make me feel so alive.  That is the only thing I miss from other parts of the country.

– This must be a magical month; I am aware of various interesting synchronicities; I feel “powerful,” psychically “plugged-in.”  I hear music playing in my head; frequently original music from nowhere; lots of things seem just “magical.”  Writing is like a drug; the “high” sometimes lasts for days; I float, I feel serene.  These feelings have been virtually unheard of in my life, although aspired to.

– I make new friend in Tina; she invites me to see her son paint at the Mail Depot – a Sonoma Arts Council event to support young artists.  I enjoyed it very much; I was (for the first time?) able to congratulate Toby and feel honest pleasure from his efforts in a totally (or nearly) unselfish way – partially due to the validation I received from Tina when I showed her my art; I was able to confidently consider myself an artist and feel on equal footing and capable of unselfish praise; it felt very good, very freeing, very honest; no envy or regret.  I was aware, however, that I wished I were not a smoker.  I had a hard time being content, being still.  I took the little boys for a walk and that helped.  I was aware that this was an experience that I rarely was able to even do.  Has being a smoker been cheating me from a lot of life?  Like being a blocked artist has?

– I start to plan how I will quit smoking.  As my “carrot” I think I will use the dream of receiving the Sect. 8 housing voucher so that I can make this place my home – or get my “dream home” at some point – maybe after publishing success.  I think that with quitting smoking I will be nearly THERE, home-free to my dreams; that nothing can stop me now.  Wow.

October: determination
– Still feeding my very hungry brain.  I feel so alive when I am digesting new info; forming new perceptions.  And I Love to write.  I decide that Drawing is Joyful; Writing is Bliss.  And I am going to quit smoking.  Whatever it takes; and I will be good to myself.

– On 10/19th, I QUIT.  Visualization of nicotine addiction as a crazed junkie of a rodent, a tired and worn-out little chipmunk who has seen better days; whatever works, I have quit.

– Dalton has to go to the dentist suddenly on my 2nd day of Quit; he has an abscessed baby tooth, a molar that must be pulled.  I feel sorry for him; I am amazed that I manage to make it through this day without smoking.  I do end up with some kind of shoulder/back dysfunction that leaves me on the couch with a heating pad, but perhaps I need that excuse to lie around and read and do nothing – I am quitting smoking, which is HUGE.  I still can be hard on myself and have difficulty relaxing without feeling guilty.  But I do it.  I end up sending my “chipmunk” to the “clean-up crew” in my lungs to repair the damage.  I don’t seem to be coughing as much as I would expect.  But my lungs do not feel bad.

– There are lots and lots of changes from quitting smoking, physically, mentally; I have to learn how to change how I do everything; rewrite my modus operandi; redefine who I am.  It is not easy.  I read a lot.  I also manage to attend Cindy’s annual Halloween party  for the first time, with Dalton during my first week of quitting; lots of firsts; lots of opportunities to reinforce my new existence as a nonsmoker.

– I am surprised and pleased to run into my friend Corey who I was missing so very much, hoping I didn’t ruin our friendship.  She was happy to see me too and we reestablished our friendship; good for us and good for our boys.

November:  coping
– I am doing some interesting reading about the idea of reality being subjective and I wonder if my beliefs in the magic of it all is real or if my experiences and perceptions are just self-deception; I wonder if anything is real unless we believe it is and I think about the fact that our intention does affect our reality.  Or perhaps I am just crazy… but that doesn’t really bother me.

– I learn about Nicotine and learn what an evil and insidious liar and cheat that it is.  This gives me anger and fuels my desire not to succumb.  I dream about smoking by “accident” which leaves me with horrible regret and I realize how glad I am that I have the power of choice over whether I smoke or not.  I am not its victim any more.  I start logging what I eat and drink every day for a week to ensure I am eating OK,  I worry about gaining weight.  I gain 2 lbs.

– I get my teeth done.  This has been something needing to be done for at least five years.  It is a relief and a burden.  It is painful but not as much as I feared.  It is a rather large adjustment but I have a lot to be grateful for in my ability to do this and what the result will be.  I lose any post-smoking weight I might have gained because it is too painful and difficult to eat like I am accustomed to.  I decide that my weight that has always been the same will simply remain always the same.  Fair enough.  It seems true; one less thing to concern myself with is a benefit.

– As I adjust to my new non-smoking self, I start to think again about my goals.  I often have had to “restart” where my goals are concerned, sometimes just due to distraction or forgetfulness.  My goals have always had the priority of 1) Health first, 2) then Order, 3) Goals accomplishment and 4) helping others.  That just always seems the way, although I’m not sure where it all came from.  I start out with finishing my “dragons” drawing.  That feels good.  I know I need to get back to working on my “Purvis” illustrations.

– My son has been great through all of this; he makes Honor Roll and is deemed eligible to partake in the GATE program; I am proud of him; however I am also aware that he is bored, he does not have to try very hard, and he does not put in much effort.  I encounter behavior problems at times and have to deal with the challenges that arise from having such a gifted and intelligent child – alone.

– I realize that my biggest challenge and priority – and thorn in my side – is the state of chaos and disorder in my house; there is too much STUFF.  It occurs to me that I am feeling a victim to my environment here and to this issue.  But perhaps if I apply the same power of choice, of intention, of integrity, that I used to give me the ability to quit smoking – can I divert such power to this issue to bring order out of chaos?  I am tired of the inertia I experience in this matter.  Inertia sucks.

– And Dalton’s father IS actually moving here.  I am speechless – for now.

– And perimenopause is TOUGH and awful.  And I feel like my son is taking advantage of me, and my x-husband is too.  I feel weak; I need ORDER, I need time to myself!  But I can’t even motivate my son to clean up his room and sleep in his own bed, I’m pathetic.  I’m depressed.  Hard to get up in the morning, hard to function; I’m stuck again in my head.  Trouble getting my meds – again.  Trouble getting my car smogged and registered on time; where is my child support?  I must still be dealing with Nicotine withdrawal issues – or hormones, or both.   But it seems that my caffeine and food intake and my sleeping habits have all adjusted back to pre-quitting “normal” mostly.  That helps.

– I have thoughts about the difference with laziness and what it means to ADDrs.  It is frustration over inability to move, not contentment to be lazy.  Motivation doesn’t correspond with the reality or something.  It is Inertia:  thinking about doing instead of doing.  I want to get out of my head and into my body and move, but I cannot!  Headaches, no energy – I should get some exercise.  I need to boost my meds back up to the normal level.  I must still be detoxing.

– My friend, Corey, has a new baby girl and I am so pleased and honored to have her friendship back again.  We contemplate sharing a house – I’m not sure.  Thanksgiving is good, I did most the cooking and meal-planning because I wanted to; poor Dalton was bit by that pathetic old dog, somewhat traumatic end to the day but we are all fine.

December:  depressed?
– My x-husband is HERE; infringing on me; wanting to spend every minute with Dalton and I let him.  I am depressed and sick; don’t feel on top of things.  But he takes Dalton so my sister and I can go out for my birthday and just getting out does me wonders.  I feel better.  I can and will deal with this but it sure isn’t easy. Dalton is so far doing great though, so I must be doing something right.

– I decide to do a hand-drawn Christmas card.  The drawing just happened but then I had a hard time figuring out how to get it into the computer in a way that worked, retaining the correct colors, etc. – it was very frustrating and time-consuming but I finally accomplished it and the satisfaction is wonderful.  I am trying to get ready for Christmas, doing OK – at least not as frantic as some years.  But I am having trouble with back pain and stiffness.  I start seeing the chiropractor.  I decide to try and get my x-husband to go with me to undergo therapy re co-parenting, with Jane.  It has come to my attention that it is a big, important issue and one with which I need help.  I am feeling a little better about things.  My moods swing up and down a lot.  We shall see.  Changes behind and changes ahead: I hope it’s all good.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED THIS YEAR:

  •  TO BE MORE PRESENT, MORE AWARE;
  • THAT NICOTINE IS AN EVIL AND POWERFUL LIAR;
  • THAT I AM CAPABLE OF ANYTHING I MAKE MY MIND UP TO;
  • THAT I NEED TO KEEP MY BRAIN ALIVE AND CREATIVE “OUTPUT” REQUIRES “INPUT”;
  •  THAT EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED.

The WORD for the year:  when the Phoenix is reborn from the ashes, what do you call it?  Rebirth?  Metamorphosis.  A new beginning?  Regeneration? 

Forward movement – first steps, on my way……

Better than before?

A PROMISE.

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