3/4/2009

Three little things I want to make note of this a.m.:

Last night in an email, my sister said, “ah… to be a kid – the exquisite enjoyment of stomping in puddles.”  I like that.

Then when I got up this morning and went out to smoke, there was an exquisite rainbow across the sky from one end to the other.

Petaluma valley, rainbow

And finally, as I sat here waiting for Dalton to get ready for school, gazing out the window – Dalton was playing a computer game and there was music playing on it, and outside on the back fence I watched two little birds who appeared to be doing the mating dance, and it seemed they danced to the music.  It went on a long time – the male puffed up and strutting, the female coming close, then backing off again, as if she was being coquettish – and seemingly dancing to the music.  I think they were mockingbirds, like the one who always greets me in the morning sitting at the top of the tallest plum tree and singing up a storm.

     

And I never used to really notice things like this.  Never paid attention.  But an artist, a writer – must pay attention.  LIFE requires we pay attention.  And so I must learn.

I am struggling to get things done, trying to figure out how to schedule my time.  I wonder if I’d do better choosing one major area of focus per day, instead of trying to keep to a schedule of doing all these different things daily.  Because I’m not doing so well at that.  And I have been feeling more inept and dysfunctional than ever.  Am I worse?  If so, is it my age, or is it because I’m trying to convince myself I’m worthy of getting disability; or is it that I have always been this way but unable or unwilling to perceive the truth?  I never before would admit to my failings, I would hide it.  Now I don’t.  So I feel pathetic.  I don’t know what is true right now.  It’s all just very weird.  And hard.

Perhaps I’ll just do the things I KNOW I have to do, like take a shower.  And then just go from there.  Otherwise I’ll just waste too much time trying to figure out what to do and end up with no time left to do anything.  That happens much too often, and then, often the depression sinks in, and that’s no good.  So I’ll pray for the alternative – productivity.

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