Poetry

I recently decided to post all of my poetry – some good, some bad, some ugly – in the hopes that it might inspire me to do some more – or at least edit some of these.  I have posted these according to the time frame in which I wrote them, with the most recent ones at the bottom.

1977 – 1979– Ages 16-19.

I began writing poetry when I was a teenager. And, as you will see, most of what I have here was written between the years of 1977 and 1979 – between the ages of 16 and 19. I was full of teenage angst, depression, desperation, fear. Some of that angst followed me into my early adult years but I never had the experience again of having poetry just explode out of me, unbidden; it arrived from nowhere and poured onto the page. Most of these were never edited at all. They are as first written. I have always thought that some of these might make good song lyrics.

A Spring Night’s Walk | Flight to Freedom | Tribute to a Literary Genius | Tired | Ferris Wheel | Identity Crisis | Dying on the Inside | Time | In My Dreams | Seasons | Just Okay | Wasteland | Reincarnation | Which Way the Wind Will Blow | Waiting | Confusion | My Broken Heart | Fight | Black Tears | Writing | FREEDOM | 2178 A.D.

1980’s

If I wrote any poetry during my 20’s, I do not remember it. I did very little, if any, writing at all during the 1980’s. I think I was too busy burning the candle at both ends…


1990 – 1994– Ages 29-34.

The early 1990s saw me through several rather unsuccessful relationships and a fair amount of depression; working, but not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

For You | Pilgrims | Back on Track | My Treasure | A Birthday Wish | Tears | Heaven Help Us | Traveler | Storm | Regrets | Words | The Clown | On Writing

1995 – 2001– Ages 35-40.

In 1995 I moved to the Kansas City area and was married soon thereafter. The next few years I wrote sporadically, particularly when the marriage started to go downhill. Then in 2000 I had a baby boy. I left my husband in late 2001.

For My Grandfather | Birthday Poem | For My Family | The Chaos of Love | Need-a-Computer Blues | Second Thoughts | Seduction | Love & Money | The Dance | Sister | Thirty-Nine and a Half | A Morning Prayer | Unfinished Poem

2010 and beyond

In 2003 I collected my mother and my then-3-year-old son and we moved back to the San Francisco Bay Area.  I’ve made my home in Petaluma ever since and am happy to be back in California, my birthplace.  I haven’t written much poetry in these years, but what I have written has mostly been for the children’s picture books I have been working on these last few years.  I hope to have these posted here soon.  In the meantime, here is one little thing I wrote:

MATE

Please excuse any broken links, etc., while I fine-tune this page.  If you find anything that doesn’t work, please do let me know.  Thank you. 


1977-1979

The first item I have included here was actually written while at boarding school after I was directed to write a letter home describing the egregious trouble I was in. I was about 16. (And I obviously had little respect for authority in those days.)

A Spring Night’s Walk

It seems that we’re in trouble;
We never meant to be,
It started when we got too restless
And had the urge to flee

From GCA, this prison,
Where it’s a sin to breathe fresh air
So out the window and off the roof
We had it made from there.

And into grand Calhoun we walked
It didn’t seem too far
The night air was so beautiful
And we hardly met a car.

Three guys soon stopped and asked us
If we’d care to hitch a ride
But we calmly said, “No, thank you.”
And they drove off out of sight.

By now it was 2:30;
We stopped and bought a Coke
We sat and drank it peacefully
And headed back again.

No sooner had we got started
When who did we happen to meet,
But two wandering policemen
Who we weren’t too happy to greet.

To make this story shorter,
We ended up in town
At police headquarters
Which caused us all to frown.

They questioned us and told us lies
And said there’d be no trouble
But even though we told the truth,
We’re now in double-trouble!

They called our dean, Ms. Darmody
And much to our dismay
She hopped in the car immediately
And took us all away.

So now we’re in hot water.
We owe a 10-buck fine.
I hope you won’t be angry
Have mercy on this soul of mine!

My story is now over
I hope you’re not too mad
I had to write this letter
‘Cause I’ve been very, very bad!


(And when I read this now, a song seems to come to mind that seems rather appropriate to the circumstances for which this poem was written. The song had not yet been written at the time I wrote the poem, but it seems to fit, nonetheless.)


(Actually, these lyrics are not entirely accurate; but, close enough!)


1977-1979 (Up)


Flight to Freedom (Wanting to Fly)

Inside these unseen walls
There lies a broken spirit
An eagle waiting for her freedom flight
But now she slips and falls.

She knows she can’t escape just yet
For times and matters chain her
To this place of joys and sorrows
Of miseries none forget

But when the time of flight draws near
And rules can bind no more
The spirit trapped inside these walls
Will fly those freezing bounds so dear

And when you see this thing emerge
This newborn life, for life anew
You’ll wonder at the life you see
Within this free-spirit begin to surge.

(Up)


 

Tribute to a Literary Genius

The moonlight’s shining in
My window as I lie
Engrossed in vagrant daydreams
Which wander, pass me by
 
Of days that never were
Of terrors never known
Of places unexplored
But in the minds of few
 
A mastermind of fiction
Has left me on the threshold
Of a great adventure
That beckons me to follow.
 
The things that one could see
The things that one could do
If only one could have the gift
Of fantasies come true.
 
But I have not the fortune
And dreams must fade away
And I must be content to find
My daydreams in the borders
Of another masterpiece.

(Up)


TIRED

Tired
So very, very tired
Caught in a whirlwind of ever-changing patterns
Of unavoidable decisions
Dragging me down.

Weary
I’m so very, very weary
Of life’s ever-present, ever-wearing problems
Which cause me to be tired
And want to end it all.

Tired
I want to sleep forever
Just close my eyes and shut out all these trials
Which threaten to destroy me
But I know I must go on.

Tomorrow
I know it will be better
These troubles cannot go on into eternity
And if I manage to continue—

Maybe
Someday I’ll manage to rise above these walls
And then I won’t be so
TIRED.

(Up)


Ferris wheel

My life is like a Ferris wheel
Around and round it goes
I never change, I stay the same
It seems a lonely game.

Around and round I always go
Without a change of pace
The seasons come and seasons go
My highs and lowest lows…

All seem the same to me you see
I’m on a Ferris wheel
I never change, I never will
The time’s just there to kill

As round and round and round it goes
Life goes on around me
It stays the same or so it seems
Please tell me what it means.

Time goes on and time stands still
But time is always there
It seems that time does not exist
It’s vague like autumn mist…

Which drifts and hides the shape of things
Disguises what is real
While I stay on an even keel
I’m on a Ferris wheel.

(Up)


Identity Crisis
 
There you are, I see you now
Why do you run from me?
I call and call and beg and plead
But you’re illusive as the sea.

I try to understand you
I try to let you be
But all you do is pull and pull
And tear my heart in three.

When will you be there for me?
When can I be there for you?
When will my brain convince my heart
That there’s nothing more to do?

Oh, I can dream about you…
You’re beautiful as the sea.
But when the sun comes shining
Waves come crashing down on me.

…crashing down on me.

(Up)


Dying on the Inside
 
Here I’m smiling
Now I’m crying
I hear you laughing
While I’m dying
On the inside.

Smiles are given
To those living
But I’m lying
‘Cause I’m dying
On the inside.

Eyes are windows to the soul
Mine are mirrors of you all
You can’t read me
‘Cause my laughter
Hides my crying
While I’m dying
On the inside.

You can comfort me, console
I can listen, but you know
All my actions are misread
‘Cause I’m lying
All the while I’m laughing
While I’m dying
On the inside.

Love me if you think you could
Tell me lies if you think you should
Your intentions are in vain
I don’t even hear what you’re saying
‘Cause I’m lying
While I’m dying
On the inside.

(Up)


Time

Time rushes by like bright balloons
Blown swiftly by the wind
But as I sit here in my room
It’s like an hour never ends.

Happiness is roses, ice cream, smiles
The love that comes so easy
But happiness is paper-thin
When I sit here all alone.

Why is it that to some life is so easy?
As simple as a breath of air
To me it’s like an endless book
To which there is no point.

I struggle along, seeking an answer
To the confusion in my head
And just when I am happiest
The clouds rise up again.

Choking me, blinding me, not letting me breathe
Hopelessly, helplessly, I try just to see.
My heart is in turmoil
My mind is in pain.

Listlessly, lifelessly, not caring to try
Mindlessly, nervelessly, I don’t even cry.
My heart is in turmoil.
My mind is in pain.

Time.

(Up)


IN MY DREAMS

Yellow headlights in the rain
Icy prickles in my brain
Smiles of hatred, laughs of pain
Look at us, we’re all insane.

Running down the street I see
Lights flashing, crashing over me
Up the hill, down to the sea
Almost there then I’ll be free.

Sin is black and love is blue
My heart is dead and so are you
With love and lust and through and through,
I bleed with thoughts of loving you.

Come to me in my dreams…

White light and angels crying
Pure fright and demons flying
Sweet night, with you I’m lying…
Until eternity.

Raindrops, teardrops in my eyes
The fog rolls in and forever tries
To cover up the pretty lies
The cold wind blows, the ocean sighs.

Icy fingers, feels like pain
The ocean’s crying in my brain
Lights just sizzle in the rain
Look at us, we’re all insane.

Whispers touch me like a hand
Reaching, dragging me thru the sand
Wet and cold the clear demand
Calm and cool the sure command.

Come to me in my dreams…

White light and angels crying
Pure fright and demons flying
Sweet night, with you I’m lying…
Until eternity.

rain


(Up)


Seasons

Seasons come and seasons go
Flowers fade and cold winds blow
The wind blows east and west and north
and south and always back and forth.

Leaves, they fall and trees grow tall
Mountains, they don’t move at all
Times will come and times will go
The time goes fast, the clock goes slow.

I sleep and wake each passing day
And come what might and come what may
It seems I never know the way…

(Up)


Just Okay

Try to listen to me
Just this once
I think I know what I’m talking about

Try to understand me
One more time
I think if you’d listen you’d know what I meant

I’d like to love you
I’d love to like you
But how can I care for the one I can’t stand?

You never knew me
You’d never hear me
Tell of the things I cared for so much

Please let me love you
Just let me like you
You don’t have to understand everything that I say

But please if you’d listen
Maybe just this one time
You’d know that I know that I’m not all that great…

I just want you to think I’m okay.

Just okay…

(Up)


Wasteland

Lord I think I’m dying
I can’t even see
Everything keeps trying
To come down on me.

I am in a wasteland
These phantoms of the mind
I just try to understand
What’s coming from behind

In my waking life
I wander in a dream
I have found the edge
Of reality.

If I continue on
This hopeless fantasy
I will lose my hold
On reality.

It’s useless to keep crying
And living in a dream
Something here is dying
If you know what I mean.

One of these days I’ll lose the edge
Of reality and fall
Now I’m stuck here on this ledge
The phantoms wait and call…

(Up)


Reincarnation

I used to think that life was grand
And days seemed numbered like the sand
But many things now I have learned
And many times the Earth has turned
And through the years comes pain and sorrow
And fear that there’ll be no tomorrow
But shouldn’t we have more enjoyment
Instead of trouble, toil and torment?
And if this life is all we have
Then we must struggle to be glad.

But now I wonder if all things
Are ever even what they seem
And maybe life is just for fun
Or maybe it’s punishment for what we’ve done—
In other lives we don’t remember
And by ourselves is judgment rendered
To repeat the things that we did wrong
In other lives – to make us strong.

And when we reach some noblest goal
Will peace be granted to our souls?
Perhaps ten lifetimes it might take
To rectify our past mistakes
But then is not our purpose different?
And should it not be our commitment
To do the best that we can do
And in all things to ourselves be true.

Then life on Earth indeed is grand
And problems simply aren’t so bad
When again and again a second chance
Is ours until there’s peace at last.


(Up)


Which Way the Wind Will Blow

Can a feeling last forever
Or does it always have to fade away
Does a heart ache ever heal
Or does it hurt until your dying day?

Does a rainbow lose its color
When it leaves and goes beyond our sight
Would the stars refuse to shine
If the golden sun refused to give us light?

This life is filled with questions
All the answers we don’t know
We always have to wait to see
Which way the wind will blow.

Can a child forget his mother
When she goes and leaves him far behind?
Can a lover choose another
And love the first with all his heart and mind?

Love is made of contradictions
Of mysteries none know
No logical reasoning will reveal
Which way the wind will blow.

Can a feeling last forever
Will you love me ‘til the day I die?
Will my heart forget you never
Or will this end without a reason why?

Do I love you like no other
Or does my heart deceive me in this way
Do you love me more than ever
Or will you break my heart and go away?

This life is filled with questions
All the answers we don’t know
We always have to wait to see
Which way the wind will blow.

Love is made of contradictions
Of mysteries none know
No logical reasoning will reveal
Which way the wind will blow.

(Up)


WAITING

I’m waiting
Sitting here, I’m watching
For a dream to come true.

I’m waiting
Waiting here while dreams
Float by, pass me by.

Looking
Looking for something
Something to please me,
Something to tease me;
Catch my eye.

I dream.
In my dream I see the sea
The sound, the smell
Of freedom.

I reach
For a closer view; I grab at
The essence of what it is.
It’s gone.
Gone, it’s passed me by.

Floating along in the breeze,
I see a tree; tall, grand, alone and free.
I try to see more clearly,
To know the essence of what it is.
It’s gone.

I’m lost.
I cry for something
Something to ease the pain
For I’m insane.

I try
Try to fight
The weariness, the clouds in
My brain.

It’s gone.
I’m here.
Alone, I’m waiting.
Sitting here, I’m waiting
For a dream to come true.

Hello,
You’re here.
You’ve come to share my dreams with me.

I need your help
For I have lost
My heart to waiting.

Waiting
Waiting here for something
Something…
Or other.

(Up)


CONFUSION

Sometimes I get so confused I don’t know
If I’m coming or going
If I’m living or dying

Sometimes I feel so alone, I don’t care
What I’m doing or saying
If I’m laughing or crying

I want to cry, want to die, so alone
And I see all these visions
All these big indecisions

Sometimes I think that I’m here but I’m not
I’m just living a nightmare
And I’m scared, oh so scared

Why am I here?

Sometimes I think that you’re here but you’re not
Or I’m there, but I’m here
And I’m all alone

Sometimes you’d think that I’d just give it up
But a quitter I’m not
And I always try

Sometimes I get so confused I don’t know
If I’m living in space
If I’m a waste-case

And then I start thinking that this road’s got to end
And I’ll get to the end
I’ll survive

I will survive.

(Up)


My Broken Heart

Damn, I’m bored
Will this madness ever end?
My brain has stopped
I wait for a miracle to mend
My broken heart.

I’ve tried so hard
To please and just to get relief
My soul is dead
To hope; insanity and brief
Are rising… in my broken heart.

Please won’t you save me?
My heart is heavy
Madness is around every corner
Please won’t you hear me?
Hold this world steady
My broken heart is crying out for you.

Lord, I’m so tired
So bored I think I’ll go insane
My fever’s rising
Neither snow nor ice nor chilling rain
Can cease the burning
Of my broken heart

Damn, I’m so bored
Can eternity show me the way?
My mind is drifting
To the borders – won’t you pray
For my broken heart

Hold me so closely
Never release me
Don’t let me drown in this mess
If you can’t hear me
My heart will surely
Die in this wasteland of broken-heartedness.

(Up)


Fight

I’m wounded
My blood is on your face
Your paranoia
Has made of me a mental case

Your lies
Have burned right through my heart
There are some
Who should learn that subtle art.

Obviously you’ve won the fight
My scars are showing badly
I won’t forget that starry night
Although I’d do so gladly.

I fought to win, but won to lose
The victory is yours
And if I had my way I’d choose
To leave and lick my sores

But run and hide I cannot do
For you will not allow it
“Cause you want me to run to you
You won’t let me forget it.

I’m wounded
My tears are still unshed
I’m wounded
From words that are unsaid

You’re crazy
Why won’t you let me be?
‘Cause freedom 
Is all I want for me.

It’s over
You’ve said your piece, now leave
I’m wounded
But I will not be deceived.

Goodbye
You’ve fought until the end
I’m gone
My heart will always mend. 

(Up)


Black Tears

Black tears attack her pillow
She’s crying for release
Days are black, nights are blacker
Her anguish will not cease.

The pit is growing larger
Soon she will fall in
Black beads of perspiration
Adorn her face and chin.

She screams for help and mercy
She sees no sign of light
Black clouds fill her eyes with fear
She sees eternal night.

Black tears
Are flowing
Black fears
Are growing
Black eyes
Are crying
Black tears.


(Up)


Writing

I’ve been writing all night
I’ll be writing all day
If I write until I die
Well, that’ll be okay.

I write when I am tired
I write when I’m depressed
I can write when I am ill
I can write when I’m distressed.

I write of joys and sorrows
I write of love and dreams
I write of this confusing life
Which is never what it seems.

You can write like a poet
You can write like a book
But I write for the pleasure
And the time that it took.

I’ve been writing all night
I’ll be writing all day
If I write until I die
Well that’ll be okay.


(Up)


FREEDOM

Freedom…
Isn’t that what everyone’s
talking about?
But it seems to me
Freedom isn’t free.
You go to school
Can’t be no fool
You gotta work
Or you’re a jerk
You buy a car
Which won’t go far
You need some gas
That takes more cash
You gotta eat
Can’t afford no treats
No time to cook
So you eat some gook
You get a house
If you’re lucky
Or you end up
In a place that’s yucky
You might get married
But who needs that?
So you get a dog
Or maybe a cat.
You lose your mind
You need some air
You want to run
You don’t care where
But you gotta work
To make a dollar
You work so hard
You want to holler->
You want to be free
That would be so nice
But you just can’t see
How to pay the price.
Freedom…
That’s what I’m talking about.
But it seems to me.
Freedom just isn’t free.
You’d like a cruise
Just to take a snooze.
You’d love to fly
Take a ride thru the sky
You’d visit museums
You’d sit by the sea
You’d ride a white stallion
And be utterly free
To climb a tall mountain
To breathe the fresh air
To pray at a shrine
And eat some Gruyere
Paint pictures of Venice
Take photos of France
Fly down to Tahiti
And learn how to dance.
You’d love to meet Dylan
Or play in a band
Or just listen to Jagger
With your toes in the sand.
Freedom…
What are you talking about?
You know good and well
Freedom isn’t free.->
Someday I’ll be famous
Someday I’ll be rich.
I’ll drive a Maserati
Maybe put it in a ditch.
I’ll dance to the music
Until it’s all gone
I’ll paint every picture
And sing every song.
I’ll drive to New Orleans
And party ‘til dawn
Then fly to Nairobi
And buy a sarong.
I’ll be free as the seagull
Like a leaf in the wind
I’ll drift where I will
I’ll be free to the end.
Freedom…
That’s what I’m talking about
But I know sure as hell
Freedom just ain’t free.
But I can dream…
And dream…
And dream…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


(Up)


And finally, here is one I wrote for an English class (whatever…):

2178 A.D.

Earnestly, I wander
Through fields that are no more.
Flowers, rocks and trees,
Birds that dive and soar.

Fervently, I roam
Through forests, deep and green,
Lush plants and streams and voices
Of creatures wild and free.

Why is it that such pleasures
Such long-forgotten treasures
From a distant place and time
Must live but in my mind?

For now there are no trees
No plains or valleys or seas
Only hills of ugly cement
Buildings with no relent.

Earnestly, I ponder
The days that have gone by
The beauty we once had
And why we let it die.

Sickening, I look
At all this ugly mess
The cars, the noise, the people
And like the rest, forget.

(Up)

1990-1994


FOR YOU

So where have I come from,and where have I gone?
And why does my suffering continue so long?
I’ve tried to gain knowledge, I’ve tried to have hope;
To be understanding and learn how to cope.

The years have gone quickly, but time goes so slow;
I’ve done what I’ve had to, to endeavor to grow.
You try to be patient, you give me support.
But I get resentful - give an angry retort.

I don’t mean to hurt you, you’ve suffered some too.
But though I’m contentious, please know I love you.
You’ve been so supportive, compassionate, kind;
But my journey’s a lone one; it’s all in my mind.

My life is unsteady and my feelings confused,
But I treasure your friendship; I’ve respect for your views.
Your strength holds me steady, your love gives me peace;
But my quest for fulfillment seems never to cease.

Alone I may struggle, but together we’ll thrive.
For as hard as I make things, I know we’ll survive.
I’m lost and I’m lonely, but with you I’ll be free
To feel loved and secure and be all I can be.

1990-1994 (Up)


PILGRIMS

The cock has crowed
The dawn has come
What this day brings
No one yet knows.

Each of us pilgrims
Our journeys alone
We carry our burdens
Down life’s lonely road

We seek to find answers
To suffering and pain
We look for a reason
To start moving again.

One day we’ll remember
What once we all were
And stop to discover
That the future is here.


(Up)


Back on Track

I need to get back on track.

Where have I disappeared to?
Where have I gone?
Why do I disappoint you?
What have I done?
These clouds have filled my senses
These demons in my brain
I always blow my chances
Though I try again and again.
These tears corrupt my reason
This pain it brings but fear
It seems this is the season
To lose all that is dear.
I used to have such vision
Such fury and delight
But now I just have tension
I cry most every night.

->

I need to find the pleasure
That filled me with such joy.
I need relief from pressure;
My heart it will destroy.
If I could see the future,
If I could see myself,
Will I escape this torture?
Will I regain myself?
I’ve lost the gift of vision
I’m stuck here in this mire
I’m filled with indecision
My brain is filled with fire.
Before the clouds engulf me
Before the demons win
My mind I need to free
From the bottomless pit I’m in.

I need to get back on track…

Please help me understand me
Please help me to get free
Please love me and console me
Please help me just be me.

I need to get back on track
Back on track…

 


(Up)


My Treasure

As I look into your eyes I see a treasure
That’s what you are to me.
With your lips upon my face I feel such pleasure
There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

Your eyes, your lips, your voice, your smile
My thoughts are with you all the while
When I’m sleeping or waking, or working or dreaming
My dreams are of you and are always so pleasing

I love to be near you and I long for your touch
I feel like I’m special for you treat me as such
Your words give me comfort and wisdom and joy
Your wit and your laughter, I truly enjoy.

As I turn around, there are tears on my face
For how did I come to this wonderful place?
And where did you come from to brighten my life
When all that I’ve known has been riddled with strife

As I gaze into your eyes I feel I love you
And I’ve nothing left to fear.
And as your lips caress my face I know
To have you is the thing I hold most dear.

For you will always be to me a treasure
And I mean that with my heart.
And I have never known such pleasure
I pray we’ll never be apart.


(Up)


A BIRTHDAY WISH

If I could only do so
I’d give the perfect gift
A weekend in the country
Or dinner at the Clift.

I’d take you to the movies
To the opera or ballet
But since I have no money
Those things must be delayed.

I have but words to give you
And this I do impart
I hope this brings you pleasure
‘Cause I give it from my heart.

A hug and kiss come with this
And all the love I’ve got
And these my gifts I give you
These things cannot be bought. 

(Up)


Tears

Healing tears that’s what these are
And you’ll never know my pain
For though I cry and cry and scream
You’re so very far away.

I write these words, they just appear
And words are all I have
And though they bring me all these tears
These tears release the pain.

And you, you’ve never had the time
And me, I’ve never cared
But now I feel I’ve died inside
And can’t forget my pain.

For though I’ve tried and tried and tried
My happiness eludes me
And you so carelessly contrive
To never really hear me.

My hopes and dreams and all my loves
So helplessly escape…
‘Cause when I’m crying all these tears
It all just goes away.

But then I wash the pain away
With all these tears of mine
And then I can confront the pain
And watch it slip away.

And all these tears and all these years
Of fighting this confusion
And still I always wonder why
The tears don’t ever lessen.

(Up)


HEAVEN HELP US

When I look into your eyes, I see the pain you can’t disguise
And as I gaze there at your face, how came I to this awful place?
You can tell me pretty lies, but I will leave here by and by
And though I know what love can bring, I never promised anything.

Oh heaven help us here today
For all my love has gone away
And don’t you look so all surprised
For you have seen it in my eyes.

Words you write me from afar; you never tell me how you are.
You simply say I’ve done you wrong, you tell me that it’s been too long.
“Heaven help my wounded soul and all the love you’ve gone and stole
And heaven help my wounded pride, for all I feel is pain inside.”

I can listen to your song and wonder – where did I go wrong
And heaven help my tortured mind for all I’ve known I’ve left behind.
But I can spend each passing day and know that I have found my way
And though sometimes I cry and cry, I know I’ll make it if I try.

Oh heaven help us here today
For all my love has gone away
And don’t you look so all surprised
For you have seen it in my eyes.


(Up)


TRAVELER

I am a traveler.
I travel a road which leads to becoming myself.
I pick up many things along the way – some good, some bad.
I learn.
I am constantly trying to shed the old skin, while reaffirming and becoming the
real essence of who and what I am.
My road is straight, yet there are many bumps along the way.
The bumps get easier as I get stronger;
As my vision improves, I learn how to avoid them.

While my road is a solitary one, I am never alone.
The people I know, the people I meet, contribute to the process of my becoming
myself.
They are there to help or hinder, but I learn from them all.
I have room for those who wish to journey with me, but it is a difficult road for
those whose road it’s not.
They wish to guide me and lead me, but they cannot.
It is not their road.
They can only accompany me and observe.
But the knowledge of their presence strengthens me and lights my way.

I know not where my journey will end.
Perhaps there is no end – not in this lifetime.
But as I travel down my road, I gradually achieve the things I’m after and become
truly myself…

A little at a time.


(Up)


Storm

There’s a storm in my head
There’s a fire in my eyes
And the fog that’s in my brain
Hides the fear I can’t disguise

Thunder and lightening
But the rain won’t yet appear
And the fire there’s still raging
In my head and through my fear

I’m screaming for solace
I’m threatening to explode
But you hear my misery
And my hand you take and hold

Your hands hold so gently
Your eyes, so soft and clear
I drown inside your kisses
You pull me oh so near

Inside I hear the rumbling
The raging of the storm
But my eyes have seen a rainbow
In your eyes so soft and warm

The storm inside still rages
But it’s ceased to be so loud
And the fire there’s still burning
But it’s cleansing fire now

Your love again has saved me
From the terror in my mind
And when that tempest comes again
I know with you that peace I’ll find.

(Up)


Regrets

I could’ve bought you presents
I could’ve brought you wine
I could’ve rubbed your shoulders
When you told me you were tired.

I could’ve told you stories
And sang songs to make you smile
But instead I’ve shared my problems
That weigh heavy on your mind.

I could’ve said I loved you
I could’ve shared my love
But I’ve worried if your feelings
For me are filled with love.

I worry if my sadness
Has caused you to drift away
And in my lonely madness
I might forever stay.

You came to me so happy
And you hide your fears inside
And of my many troubles
I’ve learned not to confide.

For fear of causing sadness
In one so full of joy
But now we both feel empty
Sad games we now employ.

We are so very different
We can’t see eye-to-eye
Have we become so distant
That we’ve no strength to try?

Have I become a burden
And have you no love to give
Because my dreams and visions
Aren’t how you want to live?

Our kindness to each other
Is it a mask behind to hide?
With gloves we treat each other
Is our love now just contrived?
->

 

I’ve often said I’m sorry
But for what – I’m still not sure.
But it seems I’ve always worried
That with me you can’t endure.

Is my thinking all distorted?
Have I got it turned around?
And it’s me who’s not been giving
And it’s you whose gifts abound?

My gifts have seemed unwanted
Your gifts leave me confused
They’re not the things I’ve needed
You haven’t given me what’s YOU.

So I feel that I don’t know you
And I fear you don’t know me.
But yet we’re here together
And should we really be?

It could’ve been so different
If we’d met another time
When my life was more unburdened
Then we might’ve been just fine.

But of this, I am not sure
Sometimes when I’m alone
I do just really love you
And don’t with to be alone.

Where is this poem going?
What point here do I make?
I’m scared of where we’re going
What steps we now should take.

Where are you now, my lover?
As I sit here home alone
And are you with another?
Could I blame you if you go?

Kind words are not sufficient
To keep our love alive
Like this, can we continue?
Can love between us thrive?

I could’ve made it better
I think I could’ve tried.
But now I’m simply frightened
That our love has simply died.

 

 


(Up)


Words

Why do my words always bring so much pain?
Why do I always feel I’m insane?
I say all these things just to gain some relief
But it seems all it does is to just cause me grief.

These words they may come from my bottomless soul
But here in my heart they do take such a toll
And if I’m to find happiness, tranquility, peace
These words so depressing I must seemingly cease.

I’m not as unhappy as my words do describe
And my tears and frustration I can usually hide
I think I do blow things so out of proportion 
‘Cause here with my pain I have total absorption.

So silly I am – but crazy I’m not
But with all these things I’m most curiously fraught
I dwell on the misery and pain and distress
And I soon feel my life’s in a total big mess.

I must find a way to write words full of joy
Or else someone’s happiness I will then destroy
My own, so it seems, since my words are too painful
For others to read, and this simply is shameful.

Why do my words always bring so much pain?
Why do I always feel that I’m insane?
I say all these things just to gain some relief
But it seems all it does is to just cause me grief. 

(Up)


THE CLOWN

How does it feel when you’re walking the line?
Each misplaced step sends you over the side
Chasms around you, darkness ahead
Each step you take gives you feelings of dread.

Turns up ahead lead to darkness and fear
You know not which way is the right way to steer
Every turn has a demon just waiting to pounce
You need all the strength you can summon; each ounce.

But there up ahead is a light in the storm
And you run with the hope that has newly been born
But then on the right stands a clown with a grin
Who says, “Why are you running, you child full of sin?”

“You know that the gates up ahead are all closed.
When we gave out the tickets, you just sat there and dozed.”
You cry out in shame and in fear and remorse
You ask, “But then, clown, what is the right course?”

“Why you have to go back and you start from the start.
Only then will these gates open wide, come apart.
But then when you enter, dear child, what will be?
What things will you learn there and what will you see?

“For your answers lie inward, you’re on the wrong track
And my only advice is you have to go back.”
“But I tried oh so hard and the answers won’t come.
You don’t know where I started or where I come from.
You stand there but laughing while I struggle and shake
Instead of advising which route I should take.

“For backwards lies danger and perils abound
And sideways are demons I can’t get around
Front-wards I think is the best way for me
But now then you tell me that way it can’t be.

“Oh clown, can’t you help me, please show me the way
I promise to follow; I’ll try not to stray.
How do I get there, which way lies the start?”
“But you know which way, child, you know in your heart.”

As I stood there and watched him, that clown with a grin
He faded away; nothing showed where he’d been.
But then on the rocks which loomed over my head
Was a door and a stairway but no sign where it led.
Then for lack of more choices I climbed up the steps
And I opened the door and peered through its depths.

A passage with flowers and candles all bright
Lay down through the door, with no ending in sight
But that way I knew was my only real hope
So I went down that hallway with a half-hurried lope.

And suddenly then there I was in a field
There were flowers and sunshine and rows neatly tilled
A farmhouse stood there with a barn and a fence
And I sped my way towards it, though still worried and tense.

In the yard by the door I then saw a young child
Playing there by some wood that was all neatly piled.
I saw smoke from a chimney and I yearned to be there
Sitting close by the fire with hardly a care.

A mother I saw sitting on the front porch
A child in her arms, she rocked back and forth.
A man then appeared from out of the barn
His face looked much weathered, all tired and worn.

But when he came closer I saw but his smile
And he whistled a tune as he walked all the while
As I stood there and watched them, this family so fine
My eyes trickled tears from the pain that was mine.

So far have I wandered in my search to be free
That I missed what the point is and what’s meant to be
It seems that I’ve tarried too long in a daze
And wandered my life in a confounding maze.

And then as I stood there awash with my tears
And feeling so desperate with all of my fears
The child in the yard, she walked over to me
And she said, “Who are you? What may your name be?”
I said, “I’ve forgotten; I know not my name.
I know not where I’m going or from which way I came.”

“Well you must come in with us and sit by the fire
For you look oh so cold and so lonely and tired.”
“I would, but I can’t. I must be on my way.
I must get where I’m going while it still is day.

“But I honor your kindness and I envy your life
For mine is confusion and anguish and strife.”
She looked at me then with her little girl eyes
And said, “But you’re wrong there, you’re telling me lies.

“You’re strong and you’re pretty and you look very wise.
You just need to be happy, throw off your disguise.
The answer is simple and you know the way
And I know you will go but you’re welcome to stay.

“It matters not which way you came to be here
It matters not that you’re wounded by fear
For here you are now and here you will start
And now you must only but follow your heart.

“For the answer is love and you knew that before
You knew it as soon as you stepped through that door.
So go on your way now and always be true
And know there is someone who’ll always love you.”

And then the clouds parted in my foggy brain
And I knew it was pointless to dwell in my pain
For I knew that the answer was there in my heart
And I knew that I’d made it, I was back at the Start
And if I live truly and live life that way
Then there is nothing to get in my way.

Then as I turned and made way to depart
I saw the clown in the lane with a cart
The cart was for flowers and he handed me one
And said, “Now you know and you’re journey’s begun.

“You’re headed the right way, you know what to do
And if to yourself you will always be true
You will get where you’re going and you will always be free.”
I then smiled as he vanished for that clown looked like me.


(Up)


On Writing...

And still I resist...
Words are running through my head;
Pain and loneliness I feel.

And when will I be able to write?
Words, they run right through my brain
But pen to paper yields nothing.

I WILL write.
I will breathe.
I will FEEL...

Light instead of darkness,
Joy instead of fear.
And yet I resist...

The words, they run through my brain.
Your face, still I see in vain;
The pain – it won’t go away
And I still resist.

Love and love and pain...
And words and words.

(Up)

1995-2001


For My Grandfather 
...on his 90th Birthday (as he lies dying...)
 While ninety years may seem a long time, 
Life still seems but too short. 
But think not of endings 
For there are only new beginnings-- 
Just as each day ends with night 
Only to blossom again in the morning.  
A life such as yours lasts forever, 
For you have forever changed the lives of many. 
And as to what lies ahead-- 
It is surely a new beginning 
So bright and glorious 
That all else will dull beside it. 
And you will live forever 
In our hearts, in our minds 
And in eternal peace and harmony. 

1995-2001 (Up)


bdaypoem1A BIRTHDAY POEM

To the one I used to dream about…
To the one I now can’t live without…
To the one whose love I do not doubt
The ways I love you I cannot count.

To the one whose eyes see right thru me…
To the one whose laugh sets my heart free
To the one whose lips always thrill me
I cross my heart I’ll always love thee.bdaypoem2

A day of joy I wish for you
Another year has seen you through
A thousand more I’d spend with you
If God would grant my wish come true.

For you I hope this special day
Will mean all things will go your way
For you deserve the best each day
I wish you love on your birthday.


(Up)


FOR FAMILY

While Christmas is a time for giving,
There are gifts worth much more than money can buy
For Christmas gives us the gift of joy,
The gift of peace and thankfulness,
The gift of loved ones spending their time together;
Of good food, good company and good cheer.

It is a time to think back of Christmases past
And look forward to the Christmases to come.
And to be thankful for what God has given us:
For life and for love and for family.
For family is what Christmas is really about
For each gives of themselves on this day.

So while this year has left us with little to give,
We gladly give you all of ourselves
To you, our own precious family.
And we’re grateful to God for the family we have
For it is the greatest gift of all.
We love you with all of our hearts

And wish you all a very Merry Christmas!


(Up)


The Chaos of Love

There was a time in my life
Where the thing most sought for eluded me.
And the chaos in my mind had but one voice.
But now there is another.
And I struggle to differentiate between the two.

The most joyful time in my life
Where the voices intertwine to become but one.
And the chaos gains a new identity.
It is the labyrinth of love.


(Up)


Need-a-Computer Blues

Return to sender is what you’ll see
If you get the notion to email me
I’ve taken a trip down a one-way street
And can’t do a thing to alleviate
My Need-a-Computer blues.

My car’s in the shop and my bank account’s dry
And I can’t make a living; I won’t even try
With no wheels to get going and no tools of my trade
I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m afraid.

Oh my Need-a-Computer blues.

I can’t service my clients; I can’t fill their needs
I don’t have their phone numbers; they’re on my PC.
It’s just there in the shop but I can’t pay the bill
And I miss it so much now it’s making me ill.

My Need-a-Computer blues

Oh no, oh oh, so blue –
I need some help but from who?
I just need my computer
It’s my means of support
But without it I can’t pay the bill for its parts…

I’ve got the Need-a-Computer blues.


(Up)


Second Thoughts

What do you do when suddenly
Everything is different
Nothing makes sense
Everything’s in past tense
And you’re worlds away from where you started.

The dream is there
But you’ve lost its address
It’s not the same
And you’ve forgotten its name
But you chase its sparkling fingerprints regardless.

Yesterday you thought you’d stumbled on a clever nirvana
And everything was fun
It was your season in the sun.

But now it’s gone.


(Up)


SEDUCTION

Oh the seduction…
The stuff between the lines
Of love and lust and sex and sweat,
The cries and screams of passion.

Oh, but the stuff of love…
The stuff of dreams and power
The stuff of magical attraction,
The highways in my mind.

To feel the power between your eyes and know that pleasure’s endless,
To see your life filled to the brim with magic enterprise.
To feel your dreams all come true with but a single wish—
And feel your lover’s strong embrace wrapped tight ‘round your libido.
Ah—the seduction…

You hear the clouds sing lullabies while you dance the endless dance…
He’ll sing your song tonight while you while away the day.
At evening you know you’ll get through and everything’s okay.
The lights are down, the music’s high and atmosphere surrounds you.
Hmm, the seduction…

Come out and play tonight…..
You know it’s you and me
All alone with our delight
Let’s explore the galaxy.

Oh the seduction…
It hits right between the eyes
And never before have I felt this way,
Jet airplanes on their freedom flight…

And my, such seduction
With your eyes so trained on mine
And your thoughts written in my head
Your lips holding true, hot fire.

Oh, the seduction—
But the bladed knife is sharp
And it cuts me right to the core
Leaves me with no strength to fight.

To find the rent is two month’s late and the telephone’s shut off,
To know that no one’s there to confide in of your plight.
Your man’s not at home and your employer is calling.
Your mom thinks you’re lazy and your sister fears the truth.
Oh, what seduction.

The days get black and your memory’s failing,
Is it almost Christmastime? What have I been doing?
The money’s gone; it’s time you learned—
There’s always the price to pay
For such seduction.

Sex and drugs and alcohol
But hide the ugliness
But ugly, yes, you make the world
When all is said and done.
And where’s the seduction?

Lord, help me see the way to love the way I should
To work and play and pay my dues
And learn what’s bad is bad
And find another seduction…

I love my man, I love my life, I love my Lord of Lords
What shall I do to mend my ways and ease my tortured soul?
I hope for much but get no thrill
From poverty or shame.
So where’s the seduction?

Oh, come out and play with me tonight
You know it’s you and me
And all alone with our delight
We’ll paint the galaxy.
Such seduction…


(Up)


LOVE AND MONEY

It seems that all my loving
Has naught but gone astray
I try to please my lover
But I always run away

At times I make good money
But it goes where I’ve no mind
I always end up stranded
In a stone-cold financial bind

Oh it’s always just love and money
This thing that drives me mad
I just can’t get no peace of mind
And no security

Oh if I could love you, honey
And finance all our needs
Perhaps I wouldn’t lose my mind
Or our peace and harmony

Love and money…

You just want my affection
But then I just turn away
To satisfy my addiction
With my self-imposed misery

And I can’t give you affection
‘Cause my pain just swallows me whole
And when I give explanation
I just see you grow cold

Love and money…

I should seek some employment
‘Cause I can’t pay my bills
And all our hopes and dreams it seems
Just cost us more and more

But I can’t get the concept thru my head
Do I have to work all the time?
And then I can’t seem to get out of bed
Will this job really make us fine?
Oh… love and money.


(Up)


THE DANCE

Days and days and nights go by
And here I sit and dream; I try—
To touch the stars and kiss the sky
But all these days and weeks just fly.
And here I am – just older.

Older yes, but when and where
Have children grown so tall and fair?
With you, my love, a love so rare
I find myself without a care
And time just makes me bolder.

A day, a week, a month, a year –
I walk, I run, I fall; no fear
I laugh, I cry; a smile, a tear
And you, my love, your face so dear—
But nights are getting colder.

We dream, we dance, we drink the wine
And time and time we walk the line
The music plays so rich, so fine
As time goes by, we see no sign
That we are getting older.

And older yes, we are, but still—
We love this game; we have the skill
And all our lives, we’ve lived to fill
Our glasses full; we’ll play until
The days get oh so colder.

But we are warm and we are strong
And even though we may be wrong
We’ll dance this dance and sing our song
We’ll reach the stars before too long—
Before we get much older.


(Up)


Sister

There’s nothing as comfortable as a sister;
Like a warm pair of pajamas;
Like a cozy fire;
Like talking to your best friend;
A sister IS your best friend.

There’s nothing as caring as a sister;
Though miles apart;
Though years go by;
A sister’s always there when you need her;
Like time and distance do not matter.

A sister is forever.
I’m so glad to have you as my sister.


(Up)


Thirty-Nine and a Half

And now, approaching forty;
My child is not yet one.

dalton6mos

Sometimes I find myself asking
Oh, Lord, what have I done?

But this child, he is a blessing.
He fills my heart with joy.
How did I get so lucky
To have this sweet, sweet boy?

I pray that as I’m aging
A good mother I can be
And not get so decrepit
That he must take care of me!


(Up)


A Morning Prayer

Help me make it through this day
Let no troubles come my way
Help me see the road ahead
With joy and peace instead of dread.

Lead me with your guiding light
And bring me safely through my plight
And let the road ahead be bright
With love and joy and all that’s right.

I ask that your sweet saving grace
Come down on me in this sad place
To save me from my willfulness
And fill my life with happiness.

I thank you much for all you do
And pray that I will be but true
In all I do and all I say
That I might be with you someday.

Keep my friends and family safe
And help me always share my faith
To help those others on the road
Who suffer with their heavy load.

And yes, please help me through this day
To conquer hardships where they lay
And help me when the nighttime comes
To sleep in peace; my duties done.


(Up)


unfinished poem

She thought she’d found the only one she’d ever need to love.
Their union fated, consecrated – blessed by God above.
There’d been so many doomed affairs before
But this was different; so transcendent – she knew he was the one.
Two people laughing, two people sharing, two people celebrating love.

If she had known the way that life could lead someone astray
Would she have made the choice she did if she could choose today?
She never knew the way that things would go
When came addiction, dereliction – her life near came apart.
But still she thought he was the one and with him she’d always stay.

And still she thought he was the one she’d forever need to love.
When came deliverance – a tiny baby, sent by God above.
A child to finally change their lives for good.
But while she waited, love dissipated, for he was not around.
And then she knew the one she’d wed was not her only love.

The baby grew and heartache knew that she would have to go.
She took her child and ran away – not knowing where to go.

And that’s all she wrote…

(Until much later.)


(Up)

2010 and Beyond…


MATE
I want to look into your eyes and see your Soul.
And for you to read between the lines and find my soul there, waiting for you.

You must be tall, but not too much;
I want to lean against your shoulder and fit between your arms just so—
In the perfect heart to heart, heat to heated embrace.

No words need be said
Except when they are soulful and seductively brilliant;
And conversation ignites, intellectual curiosity ensues…

Intelligence is erotic.
And you are dazzled by my brain, as I am intrigued and mesmerized by yours.
We dream together; the world is full of Magic.

Your words tantalize, your eyes ravish, and your caresses make me melt.
And we know how to play.

We inhabit many worlds: to each, we each pay our tribute.
But to each other, we are Treasure.

You must be evolved, compassionate, passionate; free.
You share my values, my politics;
Our tastes and goals are similar and we complement eachother’s worlds.
We fit – in many, many ways.

Humor is imperative.
Honesty is essential.

Grownups only need apply.


2010 & Beyond (Up)


And that’s all the poetry I have for now – Stay tuned for updates.


Please note that all poetry on this page is the property of Linda Engelbert Book, copyright 2014.

Leave a Reply