We’re working on the “Integrity Tone Scale” – and in a discussion about “Fear,” we are asked to write about the following:
Fear of Catastrophic Outcome
I don’t believe I’ve ever let fear stop me from doing something I’ve wanted to do. I have always made myself step out in fear – because I know that fear cannot hurt me. I have lived with a lot of fear in my life and it is very familiar to me, but I learned very young to bite the bullet and do it anyway. Am I brave? Or just stupid?
I know Fear, I live Fear, but I ignore it, I fight it, I confront it. I have always had to do that and learned that I could, that I would survive. Otherwise, I would have never done anything. And I have done a lot of things in my life.
It seems to me that my biggest fear is, and has always been, fear of poverty and homelessness. One would think I would just go get a job and do what is the obvious thing. But I think I have a Bigger Fear than that. I fear COMPROMISE. Fear of crushing my spirit, sacrificing my soul. I cannot handle having to live against my personal sense of ethics and integrity – I would rather be poor. I know that seems crazy. I have many times despaired of this conflict.
But maybe I’ve been missing something here. What am I REALLY afraid of? Believing in my ability to succeed at what I consider my true calling? If that is so, what should I do about it?
Well, how about: #1) apply for disability income to get me through; #2) discover what I can do, make a plan, get support; and #3) DO what I’ve determined I should and desire to do. If I succeed – hooray. If I don’t? I’ll have disability and current work efforts to fall back on. And I can revise my plans and goals and Try Again.
Note: someone pointed out that “a bird has to have resistance in order to fly;” otherwise they’d just fall. I like this thought.
Another topic we discuss is about “keeping agreements” and determining ways that we may be “out of integrity” with ourselves. We are asked to make a list of five such things that are “out of integrity.” Here is my list:
- The state of my house/garage
- Overdue for doctor/dental visits
- Doctor/dental visits for my son
- My financial condition
- Pursuing my dreams/creativity
We also talked about Envy – Jealousy, and self-esteem.
About scarcity thinking/negativity vs. unrealistic/over-optimism (All or Nothing). And about being “too lazy to take note of your own talents and put them to use.”
And then there are the “Laws of Attraction.” “What did I not do today to make myself be awesome? What can I do today to make myself feel awesome?”