I’ve been seeing Molly to help me cope with the loss of my Mother. She has advised me to be good to myself and perhaps work on “The Artist’s Way” again, and in particular, to give myself the benefit of “artist dates,” spoken about in the book. Following an appointment with her, I was inspired to share with her my experiences (in an email to her):
First of all, I wanted to tell you that when I left your place yesterday, I was pleased to find myself in a different mood and was finally able to stop the music that was continually playing and was able to listen to something different. The song that I couldn’t stop playing – in actuality and in my head, was “Pleasure and Pain.” [See “Earworms,” 2013]
I love this song but it was keeping me stuck in a weird space, but when I left I was “unstuck,” so thank you!
Yesterday I started to compile a list of “unfinished business” but was having trouble. I continually have a hard time pinpointing specific things – it feels like my whole life, whole world, is just this one big case of “unfinished business.” And then it occurred to me that the bulk of what I feel is “unfinished” is simply various organizing tasks – and I believe that as I start getting organized, different tasks and projects will occur to me as I come across things that spark my memory. So I guess it will be an ongoing work in progress. I also got confused as to whether these “unfinished” tasks should be “Must Do’s,” “Should Do’s,” or “Want-to-Do’s,” and if I should organize them that way. I think I spent too much time thinking about this, if truth be known. …
And then we come to “The Artist’s Way.” I found my book along with the notebooks that I used in working the course. And this was interesting – the first time I started this course was nearly 10 years ago. Late summer 1999, and I was pregnant with Dalton. I only got through Week #4 however, but I think I know why.
First of all, I am telling you these things because I feel that I want and/or need to – as part of opening up and being Truthful. Where I was at that time was coming from a two-year drug addiction, suddenly finding myself pregnant and abruptly stopping all drugs, alcohol, everything. The truth was that I had been desperately wanting out of my addiction and to change my life, and I prayed. I prayed for a baby. And three months later I learned that I was three months pregnant; this, after three years of trying to get pregnant without success. To me, this was a miracle, and a very definite answer to prayer. To me, it meant that I was being given a second chance; that I was meant to survive; so I became determined to heal and to survive – for my baby and because this chance had been given to me.
My husband would not quit doing drugs. And by god, I know it isn’t easy, because I suffered, I went through hell. I was later told by my doctor that it was amazing that I was able to quit like I did, that many women are not able to. But for me – I felt like I had no choice in the matter. I did not deserve a baby if I was not going to quit. I would not risk my baby.
But it was hard and very painful. I was wracked with remorse and self-contempt. I had to plunge to the bottom of my soul and somehow come to terms with everything, to accept, to own my problems, failures, actions and sins – and to FORGIVE. And then I could accept forgiveness from the Universe and know that from that point forward, nothing else mattered but NOW. I might not be able to fix the past, but I could certainly choose my present course and who I would be.
And I got through it. I felt like I was waking up from a long, dark tunnel. I started on a path of self-healing and self-discovery. I read books. In two months, I read 32 books. I know, because I documented it. And I started on “The Artist’s Way.” I spent most of my time in bed during my pregnancy. I slept most the day and I stayed up most the night reading. This was partly due to the fact that my husband was often up all night doing drugs and thus I couldn’t sleep. He often had people in the house and I could hear them partying downstairs. It was not pleasant for me. And things got worse.
By the time I had essentially quit doing “The Artist’s Way,” things were very difficult. My mother drove me to all my doctor appointments and to the grocery store and everything. We did not have a car at that time, my husband had gotten it impounded or something. And the phone was cut off until my sister did something to make sure I had a phone. She took care of this from California (I was in Kansas). My husband was gone a lot, sometimes days at a time. This was because I had made it clear that I did not want people in my house doing drugs anymore. I still had hopes that he would straighten up but it wasn’t looking good, I was not happy. (But it would take me two years to leave him.)
The second time I started doing “The Artist’s Way,” it was one year later. Dalton was a baby. My husband was in jail/drug rehab. So I started it again and this time I got to Week #6. But then my husband got out of jail/rehab and came home. He got a job but started doing drugs again. And it was at this point that he started to become abusive. My life soon became nearly unbearable when he was home. I walked on eggshells, I was afraid of him. I started making plans to leave him. When I did leave, I spent the bulk of the next year trying to find a home for myself and my baby and figure out how to support us, it was hard. Two years later I moved here to California with my son and my mother.
The third time I started doing “The Artist’s Way” was after we were here in this house, sometime in 2003 or 2004. And it appears that all I did this time was to read the book and not do the exercises. My bookmark was in the middle of the chapter for Week #11. I hardly remember any of it.
One thing that I recalled when looking through this stuff was that I had done another book concurrently with “The Artist’s Way.” And I remember that there was a lot of synchronicity in doing those two books together. This other book, “Simple Abundance,” is also wonderful. It even references “The Artist’s Way” in places.
I am very happy to be doing this again. I really, really want to finish it this time. I feel good about it. Yesterday I read the Introduction but didn’t get any further than that because I’d spent the time reading my previous “morning pages.” But I felt better yesterday evening. When my son was home from school we spent some quality time together being silly and it’s been a long time since I felt calm and peaceful enough to be like that with him. And I stayed calm throughout the evening for the most part, although I didn’t sleep very well last night for some reason.
In any event, although I have spent some time here this morning writing this, I feel that I needed to do this and I intend to go now and read more in the book and do my “morning pages.” And then I will tackle the rest of the tasks for the day. Although I am still unclear on what my “unfinished business” is – but like I said, perhaps if I do some organizing first, it will spark my brain.
Thank you for all your help. I am full of hope for better times ahead.