ANGST

I had a very weird dream last night.  I was living in this small closet of a room in this huge place, like a mall and an amusement park all in one big thing, and loads of people; sort of like a huge city had been compressed into this mall-like space and millions of people were walking around.  And I had two children, one of which was Dalton, who was little again.  I was trying to find all his stuffed animals and bring them to him.  And I couldn’t find a bathroom but when I did there were huge lines.  And I kept getting lost and couldn’t find my way back to where I lived.  Then at one point I lost one of my children.  Weird. 

The dream was really rather horrible.  But as a metaphor, I think it could mean I’ve been “lost in the jungle” and wanting to get back “home” and care for my “children” in that I’ve been overwhelmed with life and left my “home and children” – my creative endeavors, my dreamsto suffer and get lost, relegated to a very small space.  I need to be creating and seeing to my dreams, my “children,” and bring them home.

And this smoking isn’t helping really.  I’m feeling guilty and frustrated.  I really don’t know how to deal with this.  I have so many things I need to get caught up with and I’ve been really “dropping the ball” with the various things on my 31 point plan.  I keep getting “lost.”  What is it that causes me to have so much trouble at times?  Well certainly my son’s issues will capsize me at times.  He is always my first priority.  And when he gets sick and misses school it always does a number on me.  Then there is the smoking thing – even after three months totally smoke free there is disequilibrium.  At other times lack of sufficient money will derail me – there is always something.  Can I change this?  I started smoking again, thinking that would help bring some stability to my state of mind, but it is possible it will only extend and make worse my disequilibrium.  I do not know.  It may be exchanging one kind of dysfunction for another.

And I cannot yet quite visualize my book in any kind of solid form.  It is still too nebulous and drifting.  I keep reading these books and meditating, visualizing, ruminating on it all; I only hope that it eventually reaches a point where it’s clear enough that I can actually start writing it (whatever “it” is).  That is my #1 goal right now, and I think maybe that is why I have been in this state lately, spending so much time just thinking, dozing, contemplating, trying to cook something up.  And it is going to be, I think/I hope, something rather amazing.  I want more than anything to be able to pull it off successfully.  I think being able to give birth to this, to regurgitate it, send it all out to the world, get it off my chest and out of my head – I can’t imagine a more freeing, more fulfilling thing.  And if it is well-received, it would be justification, validation for my entire life for the most part.

And I must not let myself get overwhelmed.  I need to put it into a smaller context, it is only the first of hopefully many more books.  And that would mean years of pure pleasure ahead for me.  A Satisfying Life.  What more could I ever ask for?  Only that my loved ones have equal or better health and happiness, and this is what life is all about.

But I am frustrated.

Perhaps the fact that I am still raising my son is enough on its own to limit my ability to have just exactly the environment/conditions I need in order to create the way I want.  Which means I just need more patience.  I’m not done yet.  My life is still not entirely my own.  Yet I don’t want to rush that by either.  I love my son.  I do not yearn for the time when he is out of the nest; it will happen sooner than I’d like in any event.  I need to not pressure myself.

What I am doing is causing myself distress.  I should instead be focusing on the Here and Now and grab joy where I can.  I should congratulate myself for what I do and not chastise myself for what I don’t do.  It all will get done, in its time.  TIME – always my nemesis.  I feel my life ticking away, counting down the years; always have, even when I was very young.  I have never felt like I had enough time.  Or money.  And why might that be, I wonder.  But at present, I have more of BOTH then I have had at most other times in my life.  I am living very much like I’ve always wanted, so what is my problem?  Impatience?  Unrealistic expectations of myself?  Or do I honestly feel that I am letting myself down?  Am I?  I do have trouble starting projects.  I have trouble choosing which things to do first.  The “life things” that I have to do always take priority and end up eating up my time and then I feel too tired to start anything.  This bothers me.

But maybe part of the problem is that I am not clear enough as to what these “things” are that I want to do.  I can say I want to write and I want to draw, but that is not really very specific in terms of actual tasks.  Other things are always much clearer, like go to the grocery store, do the laundry, do client work.

Sometimes I start wondering what my purpose here (regarding my writing) actually is – it’s like I will lose the thread of meaning and relevance and start doubting myself.  It takes time and focus to bring all that to bear again, which I believe simply requires time spent ruminating and daydreaming; that is where all these things birthed to begin with.  So perhaps this is a matter of temporarily losing my focus, my path.  And I don’t want to sidetrack this by my pushing myself.

I want to get these blog posts caught up, all this journalling I’ve been doing.  I want to pull it all together and distill it, synthesize it into the project(s) I am wanting to write.  It is sort of all related.  I have this memoir thing and also a novel cooking away in me and they are related somehow but I can’t yet visualize what I have.  Until this becomes clear, how can I begin to write?  And this is what has been taking precedence over my drawing or picturebook projects.  Somehow I believe that once this project is clear and I begin to work on it, then I will also be able to go back and work on my pictures, because they are very different and require different mindsets from each other.

So maybe I am smoking again to try to give myself a chance to pursue this imperative I have been experiencing.  Should I give myself a deadline?  At what point will I be ready to give it (the smoking) up again?  Will this work or will it just be another distraction?  I get overwhelmed and distracted so easily.  I do not like this about myself and I struggle because of it.  How can I learn to instead make it work for me?  Can I accept my limitations and find a way to succeed despite them?  Where is my path of enlightenment?

I feel such a sense of urgency that it immobilizes me.  I reject that as being unnecessary.  It only frustrates me.  The answer is simply action and I need to get rid of this constant feeling of failure and ineptitude.  Am I going about it all wrong somehow?

And now Dalton has sprained his ankle!  I had to take him to the doctor and he’s missed school again.  Sheesh, seems like there is always something to disrupt things and stress me out.  I am just uncomfortable and out of whack.  Sometimes it feels like I’m doomed to go through my whole life from upset to upset always in this position of having to react instead of being deliberate.  What is it that I need? 

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