“Goals Group” 2010

This year for Goals Group I brought in a framed quote that I had hung on the wall above my desk at home.  I decided this was a very important thing for me to remember: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

And today our main exercise involves taking at look at the various “goal categories” and choosing some with which to work.  Then for each category we work on as follows:

    • My biggest fear or my limiting belief in this area is …
    • My true heart’s desire in this area is …
    • To expand to neutral or beyond in this area I need to …
      Imagine a way to do something about it.
      List your first three concrete steps to expand.
      Imagine successful completion by this year’s end… How do you feel?
    • I am willing to…

I choose ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS and decide that what I am experiencing is simply CONFUSION.  I feel like I desire something more fulfilling; more passion, love, a “soulmate.”  But am I ready?  And is this just a distraction?  

So I pull out FINANCES/INCOME (and, actually FINANCES – all of the above), and along with that, because for me it is all tied up together, I pull in CAREER/WORK with it.   And my Limiting Belief seems to be:  that I cannot be financially successful doing something that I enjoy but only what I hate, and that I have to be miserable to have money; that to live joyfully and authentically, I have to be impoverished.  Hmm, well that is my belief and possibly the gist of my problems.

Along the same lines, I choose CREATIVITY, and my Limiting Belief seems to be: that I can only treat this as a HOBBY, to engage in when I have the time – or else be guilty of irresponsibility.  And if I can believe that I can make money using my Creativity, then this takes care of my other Limiting Beliefs. It is all tied together.

True Heart’s Desire

To be free to be authentic and still enjoy financial success – meaning to the extent that there is no fear of making ends meet.  My true heart’s desire is and has always been to be able to earn a good income using my creative giftsI want to write and illustrate.

To expand beyond my beliefs, I need to:  Examine my beliefs and learn; I am willing to do almost anything, but I am afraid of being forced to learn to “accept” what is unacceptable to me.

I do not really believe that anyone will ever understand me or believe that I am anything beyond “wrong”, “selfish”, misguided and lazy; that I irresponsibly choose to live in “pie-in-the-sky” self-deception and refuse to accept reality and face my responsibilities.  To me this is UNTRUE and unfair and cruel, and I cannot force myself to see things any differently.  I reject those opinions and beliefs.  I do not believe I am ignoring reality.

I can make things happen if I can just BELIEVE – but there is fear that I am WRONG – because of others’ belief systems – and there are loved ones counting on me.  This is painful and awful.  (And I FAIL – always.)

In this area, just like in my “Relationships” category, my beliefs are not considered by others as being in the realm of what is “normal”, acceptable, responsible REALITY.  I reject that and here is ANGER.

To be proactive here, I somehow need to dispel my beliefs and belief in myself and in my dreams.   Thinking about this issue makes me feel sick.

Just SMILE,

BREATHE,

and GO SLOWLY…

And here is a link to my posting of “Zen Habits,” which I learned about from a fellow Group-member.  I decided this is a good place to put it.

…And at home later, I reflected on the day.  Group day with Molly is always powerful and intense, but it is also warm and nurturing, no matter what “demons” may rise to the surface in my soul.

And I realize that I am astonished at the emotional weight this issue carries for me.  It brought up so much pain and fear and anger.  But after some time spent processing, what I am left with is this:  As long as I do not intend to throw everything to the wind – which I know would be irresponsible and self-defeating; as long as I am doing what I need to do to survive and make ends meet to the best of my ability, as poor and pathetic as those efforts are – well, what on earth is wrong with me trying to pursue my goals and dreams of being an author/illustrator at the same time?  The worst that can happen is that I might be disappointed and earn nothing.  But even if those efforts fail, I would still be doing what I love.  My financial situation would not improve, but it would not get worse, I would not be threatening the status quo by trying.  So there really is no risk.

My goal is simply that in doing what I love, that there might be a chance of some life-bettering rewards:  Recognition, acknowledgment, feelings of success – and hopefully some – even if not very much – financial rewards.  I would love to see major success, but it is not required.  But I would like to be able to feel some sort of justification.  Ideally, I could quit my pathetic little “day job,” but more desirable would be to just make enough extra so that I am not struggling so much all the time.  Worrying about my very survival day after day is emotionally exhausting and soul-destroying.  I would rather do almost anything; but not quite:  I choose not to sacrifice my Goals. 

And that is the basic reason I have always had a problem working a full-time, regular, well-paying job.  Because when I do that, it takes so many “pennies” that I have nothing left to give my ART, and leaves me feeling hopeless to ever achieve my goals and dreams.  So I suppose I have, in essence, chosen poverty.

But if I have chosen this route in order to give myself the space and time (and “pennies”) to follow my creative dreams, then why am I not doing that?  If I have suffered for my goals, what value is this suffering if I am not availing myself of the opportunity it creates?

I think it’s because of ADD – and FEAR.  Or is all that just the result of my failure to take on my part of the bargain?  I have a chance, a BIG chance.  So what is REALLY my problem? What is my FEAR really about?

That this is, after all, just a “pipe dream,” that my ADD difficulties will not enable me to ever succeed; that my “defects” will always get in the way?  Do I believe this?  Or am I just using rationalizations and excuses like I’ve always done?

So, what do we have here:  I have these limiting beliefs and fears; I have ADD with its inherent challenges with finishing things, following through, self-destructiveness, distraction, etc., and

Does it really matter what reasons there might be?  Everything aside, what can I do?  I must make the dream real, believe in the goal, make it concrete, envision the means of achieving it; make a plan and treat it like a job – a directive that I must give priority and attend to.  Why can’t I do this?  Time?  It isn’t about time, it’s about priority.  And art is too unstructured, too “floaty,” too much up to my various whims.  I need concrete steps, assignments, tasks.  A “time slot” in which I can buckle down, focus, and dive in attentively and determinedly and produce results.

So – bottom line:  perhaps I need not spend any more time examining the emotional baggage surrounding this.  I can take the time to get organized, like I’d planned, just go through it and assign myself tasks like I’d already decided to do.

And here is a good place to refer to the information Molly gave to me at some point, about “A.R.T.S. Anonymous.”

 

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