The last few days I’ve been in kind of a weird funk. Weird weather – sort of muggy, but no rain. For some reason, this last part of the summer has just seemed strange somehow, sort of surreal, unsettled, hanging…
I do not like uncertainty, it sucks. This not knowing about a trip this summer; it might be possible, but until certain things happen, I just do not know what exactly we can do, where we can go, or when. So I have to wait, and I hate that. I told Dalton that if my tax refund comes, we might be able to go to Disneyland, but if it does not come by August 1st, we will probably just go to Santa Cruz for a few days. But the IRS is still hanging on to my refund and it is starting to really piss me off. This has dragged me down big time and it is not fair. It is kind of a nightmare.
Meanwhile, I just keep working. I am not happy about how long I seem to go without doing any artwork. Why do I do that so much, am I trying to punish myself somehow? It is stupid. And I’ve also been letting the piano slide by; not doing lessons, not playing, myself. Why?
I want to at least try to make myself work on the painting that I am doing as a gift to my sister. And I’ve been getting these ideas in my head. I was thinking about a picture I want to do of fairies in the clouds playing musical instruments. And I think I could write a poem to go with it – and with other pictures, I could make a book. A neat idea if I can pull it off. Something about the full moon, a kind of mystical, magical thing. Something full of portent and expectancy, and then on the final page this cloud procession scene or something; I’ll chew on it. I really need to finish my other things first. I really just want to go on vacation!
Dalton is still suffering over what to do about his dad. Today is his dad’s birthday and Dalton wants to talk to him, but is also afraid that if he does, he won’t know what to tell his dad as to why he never wants to talk to him. It is just unfortunate that his dad always tries to guilt-trip him so much. The man always feels sorry for himself and thus makes Dalton feel bad; it is very frustrating.
I woke up the other morning with all these images and parts of songs floating in my head. And I remember seeing Dalton as he might look in High School, as a big teenager. And that time is quickly approaching. And it has been so long since Dalton’s dad has seen him, I bet he’d be amazed at how much Dalton has grown. It is so sad that the man has not been able to really be a father to Dalton. But at least Dalton recognizes that there is no one to blame for how his father is except the man himself. The really sad part is how many other kids Dalton has known who have every bit as unfortunate father situations, if not worse. I only hope Dalton can realize that men can still be capable of being good fathers and well-adjusted, responsible individuals. I do not know what has happened to the world in that there are so many misfit or absent dads. Is it due to the way moms are raising their sons? And if that’s true I pray I’ve avoided being guilty of such. But it is easy to see how it can become a self-perpetuating situation: Messed-up people raising children to become equally missed-up, and on and on until someone breaks the cycle.
But I was not raised that way and hopefully my son will be one of the good ones – to carry on. I guess that’s probably how it’s always been and always will be: There are a few who evolve and pass on the good things. There are just so very many who don’t get it. Anyway, my baby boy is growing up – and it is a wondrous thing.