frustration…
Here it is, Friday – which is my ‘designated’ day to write and work on my blog posts. There are comments I want to write about at least three books I’ve read recently. I want to write about July 4th, about Louis, about the fact that I am smoking again… and other things.
There are days when I am hit by insights and ideas that I want very much to write about. But then there are days, like today, when I haven’t even been able to do my normal journaling (of 2 or 3 pages); I wrote one sentence and then got distracted (talking with my sister), and then had to get my breakfast, do my ‘chores,’ and get my day underway before it got any later. Thoughts got swept out of my head.
And now, when I think I’m prepared to write, I can’t decide where to start, which thing to focus on; whether I should just write in my journal to try to collect my thoughts, or what, and how to choose. And everything in my head gets so jumbled that it defeats me. It is like everything in my head is clamoring for attention all at once. And I guess this is part of what ADHD is.
But it is very frustrating to be unable to focus on simply doing one thing at a time without all of this chaos and confusion. And I wonder: how can I ever expect to be a WRITER if I have so much trouble organizing my thoughts? Simply living can be enough of a challenge, but then I feel so discontented and frustrated because I want to write so badly but can’t seem to DO it.
The other day I joined some Meetup groups, one of which is a Writers Group, and there is a meeting tomorrow morning that I have decided to attend. Anxiety over this is contributing to the chaos in my brain.
I often am not any more able to draw when I want to, than write. It is the plague of my life, this difficulty to CONNECT and FOCUS on what I want to do. I try not to pressure myself because that is self-defeating and unpleasant (and unnecessary), but I still am not able to simply relax and content myself with the status quo. I want to be able to act on my desires and goals when I choose. Instead, I GET STUCK.
And, now, another distraction – I am hungry. And I’ve barely started. But I guess all I can say is… whatever I do, whatever I am able to do, it’s OK, it’s all good, it IS what it IS.
Onward and upward…
(And perhaps more on this later.)