10/17/2011

Here is when I first started my Blog.  I only made a few entries and then ended up losing everything.  But I didn’t really lose it, for here it is:

10/17/2011.  This week started out with my feeling depressed, anxious, discouraged, frustrated, and scared.  I have thrown so much energy into my creations (“Purvis” picturebook and “cat” magnets, etc.),

and now I am faced with sending them into the world.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel inept, insecure, and very unsettled.  I am unable to work on any other projects or divine any new creations.  I feel very, very alone and very fragile.  I do not like feeling this way, not at all.

I worry that I have put too much weight into whether or not these things will successfully earn me any money.  I have perhaps held too much belief that the success of these things will propel me into the life that I have dreamed of for so many years.  What if it doesn’t happen?  I now am afraid that this possibility might pitch me into despair that I can never recover from.  How did this happen?  I am smarter than that.  But I despise so much of my current circumstances.  This has felt like my only hope.

But I have taken the first steps.  There is nothing now but to wait.  Waiting is another thing I despise.  But it is a necessary part of life, I do know this.  I must wait.  And somehow I must keep myself sane while I wait.  I am lonely though, so lonely.

Then, two things occur simultaneously – seemingly unconnected at first:  First, I am urged by members of my Monday night Group to find ways to make some friends.  I am invited to this month’s Petaluma Women’s Club dinner, and advised to research groups online so that I can make some new friends, such as MeetUp.com (which I had previous joined, but soon forgotten about).

Second, a book that I had seen reviewed and become curious about suddenly became available at the library, per my requesting it, and I picked it up. 

So I read this book, I researched things online, I became very frustrated at how slow my computers are and how long it takes me to do the least little thing, and I took a lot of naps; trying just to get through the days – checking my email constantly to see if anyone to whom I’ve sent my manuscript has replied yet (trying not to get totally discouraged every time I find they have not).

Then on Wednesday morning, my x-husband suddenly shows up and bullies me into letting him use my phone “to find out what is wrong with his and Dalton’s cell phones.”  As if I don’t already know (or guess) that he just hasn’t paid the bill.  This makes me crazy because after what I went through previously and what it took out of me to put my foot down and declare boundaries and to state that my life and space was off limits to him, here he is again trying to bully his way in and torment me.  He makes me ill, I cannot deal with him.  I hear him yelling at someone on the phone outside in my yard.  He comes in and lays into me about my not making our son talk to him and he rides off (on his bicycle; was his car never in the shop at all?), shouting at me at the top of his lungs all the way.  I start to sob.  This is just the frosting on my huge batch of self-loathing, fear and despair.  I am being a victim.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  That knowledge only makes things worse.

But I do not want to feel this way, this is not acceptable.  And as I continue to weep, I continue to slog through my sluggish computer searches and I find something that grabs onto me and holds me.  I find something in Petaluma (hooray) that involves new people, fresh air, and exercise.  It sounds perfect – just what the doctor ordered – I joined:  “SONOMA COUNTY OUTDOORS” and I become convinced that I need to attend this event:

SPECIAL FULL MOON WALK to the Water Tower, Petaluma, meet at Aqus Cafe, 5 milesOct 12, 2011 6:00 PM at Aqus Cafe, Petaluma, CA

If this doesn’t bounce me out of my depression, I don’t know what will (except to hear back favorably about my manuscript, of course).

But how can I go?  What about my son?  I just continue to weep and feel sorry for myself.  (It occurs to me that hormones could very well be a big culprit here – although that doesn’t change things.)  But then it also occurs to me that if I really want to do something, I usually can find a way to make it work.  So I try to find something for Dalton to do, or somewhere he can be, and a solution materializes.  Wow.

And luckily I didn’t have time enough to get too scared; I went.  Five miles is more of a hike than I had anticipated.  And I find myself more out of shape than I had believed too.  It was hard – but very worthwhile.  I enjoyed it so much I didn’t want to go home!  And this told me something:  I need to get out more.

And here is where I started to make some connections:  This book that I got at the library (“That Used Be Us”) talks about how our country can adapt to the challenges that globalization and technology have created.  And it mentions how things like “social media” are being utilized in so many ways and how it is important that we learn how to, in essence, change with the times.  I have been resistant to use or stay on top of such things as Facebook, although I do have an account.  But I wasn’t really using it, I was more often just feeling inept and overwhelmed.  But there are so many people on it!  And when I joined MeetUp.com, it asked if I wanted to link my account to my Facebook account.  And as I read, and I browsed, it became clear to me that if I would try to learn to use some of these tools, it would not only be in my best interests (like not feel so lonely, perhaps), but it was essentially part of what our country needs to be doing in order to move into this century and compete with the rest of the world.

So, suddenly I am trying to “be connected” and using Facebook and going between that and my email and my MeetUp account; I am putting things out there, sharing what I am doing and what I am trying to do and trying to also pay attention to what the people I know and like are doing.  It is something – just to share the little things in our lives; it is a start.  And, in fact, I decided to share my artwork that I recently scanned and posted up on my website.  I have not shared that with very many others, but decided I need to share it with all if it is my desire to promote my talents – which it is.

So now it is Saturday.  And I have arranged for my son to go to a friend’s house this evening so I can attend another event.  This is not only part of this one MeetUp.com group’s events, but it is done through Aqus Café and is a Petaluma COMMUNITY event.  And while I am slightly nervous (this is all very new, after all), I am also looking forward to it because I know this is a good thing for me to do and I am quite sure I will really enjoy it.  And I will be meeting people, and I know that is important.  I have always needed people in my life.  Why should now be any different.  It is even more important now.  My mother is gone, my son is slowly growing up and away from me in some ways, and I work at home, alone.  I NEED this.

So I think the theme for this week is:  Getting Connected with Community.

 

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