School has become a large concern in recent weeks. Dalton has been sick a lot and has missed a lot of school. His unhappiness has me thinking a lot about my own experience with school when I was a kid and how much I hated it. I wonder if the fact that I always used to miss so much school is somehow contributing to his situation; is it my fault somehow? Or is it that he is simply a child of my flesh and shares my difficulties?
I wasn’t exactly sick all the times I missed school; it was simply that school itself made me ill. And as I read Dan Pink’s book “Drive,” I find I agree with what he says about us currently still being asked to live in a “Motivation 2.0” world – and that goes for our schools as well – which is not in accordance with our human nature and to a sensitive, creative, highly-intelligent and evolved individual, the way things are can be toxic to our well-being.
I missed more than twice the state-allowed absences. I remember having to beg to be allowed to graduate high school, but they let me based on my good grades. (This was after even skipping an entire year; I combined my junior and senior year and only had to take a 12th grade English class in summer school in order to get my diploma, which I did.) But boy did I miss an awful lot of school. And then I nearly aced the SAT test. But I hated college too and didn’t stay very long.
I was depressed from the time I was young, although most people viewed me as having a very optimistic, cheerful nature, although also quite moody. When I got older and learned about ADHD, I decided that must be what the problem is. But now I believe that it is in large part just the “system” that has always made me ill. And I see this in my son. But I do try to help him see the necessity and benefits of hanging in there – and he mostly enjoys school – much more than I did, but my situation was also very different. I had so many other factors to deal with, not the least of which was all the guilt and negativity from growing up around a screwed-up religion and dysfunctional parents. I have tried to show my son the real world in a better, more open-minded and positive light, one that encourages self-determination and self-esteem. God knows if I am doing a decent job. I hope so. He is a good kid and a wonderful individual. I am very proud of him and love him more than words can tell. But school has not been an easy thing.
School is such a pain in the ass. But yet it is necessary too. But for smart, sensitive kids, the system just does not work well. It could be different. I don’t think home-schooling is the answer either. And I think going to the doctor all the time is stupid and worthless. Sometimes I think everyone is stupid. The way things are in so many areas of our modern life are just absurd and ridiculous and frustrating. Even if everyone thinks I am just crazy. And I may have to put up with it, but I don’t have to like it. And how do I teach my son to deal with it when I never could? The way we are expected to live is in so many ways completely counter to our true natures and in trying to cooperate with the system it can make us sick!
Kids should be able to get an education without the stress; how can it be good for kids to have to run out the door early every morning to go spend hours sitting in classrooms, in the first place? And then have to spend a chunk of their meager time at home doing homework. What kind of life is that? And then to get through all those years only to do the same thing at a job? Just so you can have a home and food and the basis requirements for living at all. And year after year of conforming to those expectations and requirements until you’re too old to do it anymore. What possible meaning can there be for the way we are expected to live? It’s no wonder there exists that greed and competition to obtain enough wealth – in order to escape! And money is the ONLY way to be able to step out of the system to any degree and choose the manner in which you want to live. Why must it be like that?
I guess because we don’t know any better. We have not yet figured out how to do things differently. And I think that is partly due to the fact that most of us don’t yet even realize that anything is wrong. But some are starting to. I do see changes going in the right direction. But it will be many generations I predict until things change very much. We are slow learners in some respects. Then there are people like me who muddle through somehow, angry and sick and depressed.
I just hope my son somehow can have a better experience than I have. I hope he finds a path that can lead him to happiness and success and wellness by his own terms. And I hope I can help him find it, granted enough strength and wisdom.