It’s Saturday. I seem to be depressed. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I didn’t even hear when Dalton got up. And I’m in that kind of foggy-headed funk that happens sometimes – when I don’t want to talk to anyone or deal with anything. I just want to be alone, invisible, and silent. I wonder what it really means when I get like this – depression, what exactly is that anyway? I think it is fear; and not getting what I might need in order to feel truly “safe” somehow.
I used to get like this when I felt threatened due to financial predicaments. Or when I couldn’t bear going to work, in that the context in which I was forced to work made me so sick – but to not do that brought financial failure and fear (terror) of not being able to survive. That “dead” feeling – feeling so thwarted that it feels hopeless.
Thankfully these days I haven’t had to experience that too much, but it seems other things can conspire to exhaust and frustrate me, like parenting difficulties for instance. And I probably just need some solace and recharge; I’m beaten down by worrying about my son and these difficulties. He’s been sick and missed so much school and he’s gotten so behind at school again already. Kids can take so much out of you because of always trying to do the right thing as a parent and it is so hard and never very clear-cut.
Sometimes, in fact, it is really brutal, and my stress can make it worse in trying to deal with him and it just becomes too much and I sort of collapse. It’s a matter of feeling (or not feeling) in control of things. But right now I just feel like I need to Let Go and let things happen as they will and be what they are.
This is a hard age for my son, and thus for me. Trying to get him to be responsible for himself and do the things that are required of him after too many years of mom doing most everything for him. I am having to retrain myself as well as teach him. And he can be very stubborn. But if he would just realize that he could avoid certain negative consequences if he would just step up to the plate and do what he’s supposed to do – including asking me for help if he needs it. But he just claims he “has it covered” and then I have to watch him fail and get depressed and stressed out because of it. It is extremely frustrating and it is so hard to have to watch him be unhappy. But if he won’t let me help him, what can I do?
And I think most parents probably dislike homework every bit as much as our kids do. And why does there have to be so much work? I remember being able to do most of my work in class; why can’t it be like that? All it does is stress everyone out. And I don’t think it’s right for kids to have so little free “play” time as they do.
I have again picked up the book “Drive” that I started reading a couple of years ago and I’m re-reading it – actually, I don’t think I even finished it before. The author talks about how the way our systems of school and work are currently structured are severely lacking in how human nature works. Learning is fun and education should be enjoyable and enriching for kids; but the way it’s structured, it just becomes a drudgery, something dreaded and unpleasant – as have also been most jobs I’ve had. I find this book extremely hopeful and refreshing to read about how this is all counter to how people are and that it needs to change. I have always felt this way and things are changing very gradually but it will likely take more than a generation or two to really kick in and change our society in a big way. But it needs to happen. And it will as long as the Neanderthals in our society don’t prevent it and want us to stay in our cave man culture.
What I find particularly rewarding about this book is the idea that instead of my having to feel like there is something wrong with me like I’ve always felt, perhaps I am simply a particularly real human sample of who we are; I have been unable to conform, to change myself in order to fit the artificially created rules to live by because those rules have never made sense to me. Does this mean I’m more evolved somehow?
As an adult I have been led to believe it is just ADD. But what about all us ADD’rs – those of us who are creative and free-spirited and unable to fit in the so-called linear world? Is it ADD or the way human beings are meant to be? Because – and this is only my own perception, but I think when people are brought up being told that they have ADD and therefore have trouble with “executive functioning,” then these people do become essentially disabled and dysfunctional and I have met people that way and see them struggle, believing themselves to be damaged. But I learned all along that while some things are difficult for me and disagreeable and I may feel like I can’t do something – it is generally because I do not want to do it, it is disagreeable and may seem irrelevant and meaningless. But I am able to do just about anything if I have the desire and I try and I can learn to do anything. Just don’t tell me I can’t.
But some things seem counter to my very nature and perception about life. So is this true of everyone with ADD, assuming one is intelligent enough? I also think our abilities and tendencies can be affected by our upbringing and experience and I think ADD people were given a rough time from the beginning which then has negative affects. (As Dr. Gabor Mate says in his book.)
And more and more it seems to me that ADD is more a matter of a sensitive, intelligent and creative individual who has trouble due to not being able or willing to conform to our antiquated ways which are often counter to our natural instincts. Maybe other people simply are not vulnerable in the same way to such things and so have managed to conform in most ways; except how many people are really happy and fulfilled, living fulfilling lives? How many people have compromised without ever realizing it except for maybe feeling a vague discontentment in the bottom of their souls?
I was thinking yesterday evening (and I think I dreamed about this) about how I’ve always felt like I was born too soon – as in the wrong time period. I feel like I would be more suited to a future time. My sister has always rather wished she lived at some time in the past; she loves history and would love living in a simpler time. But I think I would have suffocated and gone insane in an earlier time. I would probably have been burned at the stake as a witch! If I have trouble fitting in in the current repressive society (or so I perceive it), then how on earth could I have managed at all in a previous time when women in particular had next to no freedom or power over their lives? And people were very ignorant, as they still so often are – ignorant about our very natures and our place in the world. What we touch, we destroy, like a child in a china shop. Because we don’t know any better and have no control over ourselves. Because we are too self-centered, selfish and egocentric. Sort of like children who haven’t yet learned how to share and to control themselves.
And I’ve come to believe that evil is so unnecessary. It is created by FEAR. And knowledge and and understanding is what counters fear – wisdom. Therefore it would follow that the opposite of evil is wisdom. That’s an interesting concept, isn’t it. I wonder, are there not wise individuals who are capable of evil? Well, intelligence is not the same thing as wisdom. Wisdom is not innate, it is something one strives for – or not. I do truly believe that true wisdom is the cure for fear and that fear is what creates evil.
Wisdom, I believe, is when you can look at the world without seeing yourself as a separate thing. When you let the ego go and feel the presence of life all around you and you are simply one and the same, connected to it all. When you can see all down the ages, both forward and back and see this planet as a piece of the entire Universe. When you can glimpse eternity, some things no longer seem important, or scary. It is very humbling but also very empowering. And I find it hard to conceive how anyone could contemplate evil in such a mindset. How could anyone hurt anyone or anything on this planet when one realizes that we are part of it all and that hurting another is hurting ourselves? Evil is counter to Life itself. And what I consider evil is having the desire to cause harm or death. And I think it is unnatural and unnecessary. And I believe we will eventually evolve to be incapable of evil. But perhaps I am overly optimistic. (Or have read too many Sci-Fi books.)