There are some things on my mind that I want to address – perhaps with Molly.
(1) About MONEY: But what is there to discuss? I am hanging in there; something will change for the better.
A NEW THOUGHT: To me, it is not as simple as just going out and getting a job at all costs. There is a FINE LINE when it comes to QUALITY OF LIFE. A change is not desired if it does not tip the scale towards improving my quality of life with all things being considered, like time with my child, time to draw; to live how I choose – versus having enough money to get by– A Fine Line.
We are surviving. But it is not easy, it is stressful, there is fear. And I do need some relief. A new client or two would probably do it. Child Support would help immensely.
And then there is FEAR. To live without fear is perhaps my greatest goal.
I think perhaps the ISSUE here is not about Money so much as it is about FEAR.
What tools might help me learn to deal better with, or decrease, alleviate my fear? It is a Life-Long thing that happens whenever certain situations occur; when I become afraid of not being able to take care of myself adequately. It is a Survival thing. I think I have never felt SECURE.
What exactly would make me feel secure, no matter what? Is that possible? I have, though, to be honest, improved significantly. I am not FROZEN. I am persevering. But I work hard at this – and it could be better. I could have PEACE.
FEAR – but it is not really fear of LACK that I suffer. It is not about having or lacking things. I believe that the Universe is generous and abundant and I truly feel that I have all that I really need. This fear I have is not a fear of LACK, it is fear of a loss of survival; of the Failure to Survive – like that my world will cave in and I will die. This is dreadful. And it has always been a part of me. I HATE IT.
(2) Going back to the issue of QUALITY OF LIFE, there is FEAR and there is the state of my physical environment. This situation has weighed me down for far too long but I am trying to work my way through this. I think I need to have a SALE. But I need HELP. I have done research, but I do not know how to start. I need HELP and SOON. And I am going to need help at many phases of this whole process, it is very hard.
Oh I want my “dream house” that I have been building out of magazine pictures!
But THIS is the house I currently live in. And there is POTENTIAL to make it something that I could be happy with – perhaps. But first I need to clean it out.
I can help myself in two ways, by selling stuff off, make some money to stretch “the ends,” while getting rid of all this stuff. But I need help with the logistics – a “body double.”
With enough money (and lack of fear), and a clean house that is designed to work for me – I can go from there. I have learned, grown; improved myself and my world in many ways.
(3) TROUBLE areas for me right now:
– My son’s father – helping my son (and myself) cope with all of these tough issues; it is a very big job.
– And my dear sister – dealing with the day-to-day trauma of care-taking for her husband. And the poor, sick man; it is truly heartbreaking. And the huge unknown is there – for my sister, for all of us who are affected. It also is so reminiscent of what we went through with our mother, my sister and I. I need my sister to help me with our mother’s stuff. She knows this, but it is hard – these are just some very tough times. And it’s about keeping things in perspective.
So in the meantime, what do I do? And it appears that I am having difficulties getting along in Group these days. Perhaps I just don’t have enough people in my life to talk to. I sometimes go a whole week without really seeing or talking to much of anyone, besides my kid. And my cat.
But if I am being intrusive and disruptive in Group, this really makes me feel awful, because I don’t know how I can change it or be any better. I feel rather humiliated, to tell the truth.
So what do I need:
- Ongoing guidance to help me stay focused on my goals and get things done.
- Quality of Life improvements; (fine line between life quality and enough money); I need some kind of adjustments to increase income/cash flow.
- Help dealing with FEAR.
- To improve physical environment and earn money, I need assistance at making a yard sale happen; maybe do some online selling too.
- How can I learn to communicate in/utilize Group better?
- How do I cope with these tough issues regarding my son’s father, and my sister/brother-in-law situation – do I need some kind of support network? I am unsure what I need.
Dazed and Confused in the 21st Century