I cannot remember where I got this – perhaps from Molly at some point. It seems I have failed to pay adequate attention to what it says:
A boundary is a personal limit that allows me to love you without resentment. It allows me to give to you and receive from you without compromising my own integrity. A boundary enables my inner child to feel safe and nurtured.
I cannot ignore a boundary without paying a price. I cannot have a boundary of mine violated without it affecting the connection between us.
Setting my boundaries clearly is what allows me to be in charge of my peace. The focus is on my behavior, not on controlling your behavior.
I often do not set clear boundaries because I fear I will hurt you. I fear I will get rejected by you, or I fear I will feel foolish, embarrassed or ashamed.
Setting a boundary always creates the risk of finding out a truth about myself, about you, or about our relationship.
The lower my pain tolerance, the shorter my reaction time will be to letting you know when you have violated my boundaries. The higher my pain tolerance, the more prone I will be to exploding, before setting my boundaries.
Before I knew how to take care of myself, I focused on controlling you, so I could be comfortable.
When I was not aware of my true boundaries, I did a lot of things I did not want to do, with people I did not like.
Sometimes I discover my boundary after it has been violated. When this occurs I often feel angry, I blame you, and I resent you.
Other times, I discover my boundary as it is being violated. With this discovery, I may not take action, even if I am aware of not liking how I feel. Over time and with practice, my ability to take action is gradually catching up with my awareness. I am getting better.
I can also set my boundaries proactively. This is the ideal and it saves time, and it prevents chaos, crisis and pain. It is what I am working towards.
There are times when I inadvertently violate my boundaries because I do not know what to do, the situation might have taken me by surprise, or the situation was imperfect, and there just was not a good solution. The most important thing for me to remember is for me to forgive myself, and to use the situation for learning.
The better I become at setting my boundaries, the fewer times I find myself in awkward situations because I am able to nip a lot of these situations in the bud before they become painful.
When I discover that my boundaries have been violated, I first discharge my feelings, (writing and burning), and I forgive myself. I talk to my inner child and pin point the moment that I started to feel violated. I identify as much as possible exactly what made me feel uncomfortable. I also look at what kept me from setting my boundaries on a consistent basis. I then create a different scenario. I make up different responses I could have given. I concentrate on making earlier interventions.
I role play different responses in my mind, or I dialogue on paper, or I role play with a friend.
Sometimes I take a “time out.” It is okay for me to delay setting a boundary if I am not sure what I feel, or if I do not want to say it at the time. If this is the case. I will say:
“I’m not sure what I feel about this, but I’ll get back 10 you as soon as I do.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about this right at the moment, and need some time to think before I answer you.”
“Let me think about this first.”
“I will need to get back to you on this.”
One way to discover what I want is by asking myself, “What do I want to get from this? Am I clear about what result I want from the boundary I am setting?” I want to discover what limits I have that will keep me feeling peaceful. I want to know what things I can do that will help me keep loving and out of resentment.
When I am ready to disclose my boundaries I use I statements, not “we”‘ or “you” statements. I stay with my own experiences. I do not argue the merits of my case.
My experience is the only thing that cannot be argued with. I say:
“My experience is ________.”
“I am willing to________. /am not willing to _________.”
“What I would like from you is _________ .”
When I talk from my experience I stay out of power struggles, and I stay centered in my own power. I do not weaken my position by having my attention diverted into unprovable points like:
“You’re not trying hard enough.” “Yes I am. You just can’t see it.”
I always speak from my heart, and I use kind words. I am so good at hiding my feelings, I know that you might not even be aware that you have been violating me.
I know that it is vitally important for my words to match my actions, and as I continue to grown and expand I will revise, clarify and update my boundaries. I will let you know my revision so we will always be clear, and so my actions will continue to match my words.
When I define my boundaries, I know that I must be prepared for your reactions.
You may respond with anger, you may withdraw your loving, you may try to make me wrong, or you may not be willing to work out a solution with me.
Good stuff to remember.