2009 Goals (part 1)

2/12/2009 – What I want:

1.  A home – that I can afford.  In a decent neighborhood (school, neighbors, pets) and that is clean and comfortable and has enough room for me and Dalton to play and live well.  I need my “space.”  I need light and air and sunlight.  To not be afraid.

2.  Financial means – to cover living expenses, pay my bills on time, to be able to get what I need when I need it and once in a while to afford some “wants.”  To be able to buy birthday and Christmas gifts without going into debt.  To be debt-free and start putting something away for the future.  And to not be afraid.

3.  A car – that’s practical, dependable, affordable, roomy enough and comfortable, like a small-midsize SUV that’s economical so I don’t have to drive in fear.  

4.  Health care – insurance so we can avail ourselves of adequate medical/dental and be safe for emergencies, medications paid.

5.  Vocation/work – I need my time to be my own, to be here for my son when he needs me.  Space to work at home, doing what I enjoy and can do well, to attain satisfaction.  To not be frustrated and afraid or bored.  To find pleasure in my work.

Things I can do/want to do with my time:

  • Writing – fiction, nonfiction (articles, memoirs, etc.), children’s books
  • Copywriting (?)
  • Illustration – children’s books, greeting cards (and verse)
  • Painting/drawing
  • Music – composing/songwriting, piano – play/teach(?)
  • Creating things/ideas
  • Desktop publishing, doc creation, web design

FREEDOM

  • I want to sew again
  • exercise
  • a dog
  • I want to plant a garden, flowers

I want my child to learn how to eat!  And to be more helpful and cooperative.

I want “SB” to leave me alone except for his child support/parenting help.

I want Music.  I want Beauty.  I want Peace.  I want Fun.  I want Romance and Companionship.  I want to Feel Good.

doors

2/17/09 – Re-reading this (and other things) now tells me my goals have almost always been the same — except different:  I’m operating in a different space now. While some goals are more immediate (financial), in a sense I also have more room to move – more freedom of choice, less hindrance.

But I’m plagued by my emotions. Sadness, despair – fear, anguish, loss. I feel crippled. How do I cope?

  • Sadness and grief – love of my mother, now gone
  • Fear and anxiety re: my home and means to live
  • My future is a blank slate in many ways.
  • How do I function with all of this?
  • Lonely.  Depressed.  Bored?  No direction, no joy, no comfort, no solace.  JUST PAIN.
This entry was posted in 2009, Onward & Upward, Ruminations and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply