2/12/2009 – What I want:
1. A home – that I can afford. In a decent neighborhood (school, neighbors, pets) and that is clean and comfortable and has enough room for me and Dalton to play and live well. I need my “space.” I need light and air and sunlight. To not be afraid.
2. Financial means – to cover living expenses, pay my bills on time, to be able to get what I need when I need it and once in a while to afford some “wants.” To be able to buy birthday and Christmas gifts without going into debt. To be debt-free and start putting something away for the future. And to not be afraid.
3. A car – that’s practical, dependable, affordable, roomy enough and comfortable, like a small-midsize SUV that’s economical so I don’t have to drive in fear.
4. Health care – insurance so we can avail ourselves of adequate medical/dental and be safe for emergencies, medications paid.
5. Vocation/work – I need my time to be my own, to be here for my son when he needs me. Space to work at home, doing what I enjoy and can do well, to attain satisfaction. To not be frustrated and afraid or bored. To find pleasure in my work.
Things I can do/want to do with my time:
- Writing – fiction, nonfiction (articles, memoirs, etc.), children’s books
- Copywriting (?)
- Illustration – children’s books, greeting cards (and verse)
- Music – composing/songwriting, piano – play/teach(?)
- Creating things/ideas
- Desktop publishing, doc creation, web design
- I want to sew again
- a dog
- I want to plant a garden, flowers
I want my child to learn how to eat! And to be more helpful and cooperative.
I want “SB” to leave me alone except for his child support/parenting help.
I want Music. I want Beauty. I want Peace. I want Fun. I want Romance and Companionship. I want to Feel Good.
2/17/09 – Re-reading this (and other things) now tells me my goals have almost always been the same — except different: I’m operating in a different space now. While some goals are more immediate (financial), in a sense I also have more room to move – more freedom of choice, less hindrance.
But I’m plagued by my emotions. Sadness, despair – fear, anguish, loss. I feel crippled. How do I cope?
- Sadness and grief – love of my mother, now gone
- Fear and anxiety re: my home and means to live
- My future is a blank slate in many ways.
- How do I function with all of this?
- Lonely. Depressed. Bored? No direction, no joy, no comfort, no solace. JUST PAIN.