Tomorrow is my birthday. I don’t really care. (Or do I?)
I’m back in bed. I worked on my manuscript this morning for close to two hours. I have a hard time getting started on it. Then I have a harder time stopping and getting it out of my mind.
I’m depressed. I’ve got roughly two hours left to myself before school gets out and there are things I should do but I’m lacking motivation. I’m tired. But I need groceries and don’t have any way of paying for it. There’s nothing to have for dinner tonight and nothing to put in D’s lunch tomorrow. I feel destitute and demolished. Demoralized, in despair. And tomorrow is my birthday. I feel like I’m in the middle of a nightmare and I can’t wake up.
This is not a good way to live. This just all feels so unfair, and how can I fix this? I suspect that whenever I feel like this – has it always been about money? As in, the lack thereof? No money and no hope of ever getting any, or having enough. This has been a life-long quandary and a misery to me. It boggles my brain, it baffles me. It is excruciatingly painful and frightening and miserable. And I continue to not understand it – which makes it feel even more hopeless and myself helpless.
What is this illusive answer? The standard answers don’t help. Logic tells me that I don’t have enough money because I am simply not earning enough. So where is my confusion? Am I simply unable to make a decent living? So it would appear from my history. But why? Am I lazy? No. Am I crazy? Perhaps. Why is it so damn hard??
And why does it always seem to require me to hit bottom before I manage to do anything about it; and what I do is always only temporary. I’m getting too old for this. I want to go to sleep. I don’t want to answer the phone. I don’t want to pick up D, or take him to guitar lessons or have to fix dinner. But I have no choice. Just like I have no choice but to find a way to earn an adequate income.
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About MeSingle mom, artist, writer, freelance bookkeeper, and lover of books; trying to find and understand my place in the world and learn how to succeed doing what I love. Insatiably curious, often confused, and learning all the time. Welcome to my World.